Post Christmas Reflection

So I was thinking about a lot of things last night as I was going to sleep. One thought/idea that kept coming back was that I wanted to write a little more about Christmas so that's what I'm going to do.

Megan and I have spent some time talking about what makes Christmas Christmas and what the best part of it is. We both agreed that one of the best parts of Christmas is giving gifts. I think it's so amazing how that has changed over the years. I remember so well the pure excitement leading up to Christmas morning and opening all my presents. Gradually I started to enjoy watching people open the gifts I'd given them more than opening my own. That's not to say that I don't enjoy being on the receiving end, it's just that there's a different feeling in giving a gift than in receiving. 
I've been working on Meg's present for a while. Over the course of our relationship we've taken a few pictures and a large number of them have been on my camera. There have been a few of them that I've kept for myself for the express purpose of giving them to Meg as gift. So that's just what I did. I know she loves to scrapbook so I made a bunch of 4x6 prints and put them in a little photo album. I also made an 11x14 print of my favorite picture of us and framed it. So on Christmas Eve we sat down by the fire in my front room to exchange gifts. We both had two part gifts so we took turns. I opened one first and found a scarf/hat combo and a pair of sunglasses. It made me smile because I'm always borrowing Meg's sunglasses when we're driving because I misplaced mine a few months back. I've also wanted a scarf for a while. She opened the photo album first. Next I opened her second gift. The first thing that was really neat was that she made the box for this gift via origami out of wrapping paper. Inside was a deck of cards. At first I was a little confused but after a little direction from Meg I turned the box over to see what was written. "52 things I love about you." I was slightly shocked, it a very good way. This was hands down my favorite gift of the season. It just reinforced my already powerful love for her. She opened her framed 11x14 and judging from her response I think she liked it. It was such an amazing evening.

Once all is said and done however, the most amazing gift we have all received is that of our Savior Jesus Christ. Only through Him can we be forgiven of our mistakes. Only through Him can we hope to live with our families and loved ones forever. Only through Him can we receive the ultimate gift of Eternal Life. Because of what He went through and suffered He is ready, willing and able to run to our aid durning the trials of this life.

Finals and Christmas

Well finals have come and gone as have a few other large events. I feel bad about not writing in so long. I wish I could go back and write about everything but I feel that if I were to try it would end up being a very boring post filled with lists of things I've done.

Yesterday was Christmas and what a Christmas it was. I realized that it had been three years since my last Christmas at home. That's a long time but it really didn't feel that long. In the past on Christmas morning I would usually wake up fairly early and because of this I would do a lot of sitting around waiting for the rest of the family to get there so we could have our Christmas brunch and then head into the front room to open presents. However, this year was different. Anne and I opened presents in the morning, then went to church (which was great) and then the family came in for dinner and more opening.

I spent most of Christmas Eve with Meg and her family up at her grandparent's house. It was so much fun. I find it so interesting how we're on such different ends of the spectrum. I'm the very youngest in my family and Meg is the oldest, or there abouts. It was fun to see another set of family traditions. Meg and I learned a piano duet which we were able to play at her family party and then again at my house. It was a very fun weekend.

Sorry this is such a short and somewhat boring post but I really felt the need to get something new up. For some reason I felt like I couldn't start writing again until I'd caught up and the longer it went the less I wanted to do it. So here it is and I'm just going to call it good.

"Sam, you can do better."

Okay, so this is a post I wrote yesterday (Monday the 5th) and I'm just now getting around to posting it. Enjoy!

Yesterday was such an amazing day filled with my favorite person in the world. My Sunday morning meetings weren't too bad and then it was choir practice. We were supposed to be practicing in the young womens room but some committee from the 1st Ward was using it for a board meeting. We ended up having to meet in a tiny room above the bishops office with a tiny little keyboard. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen with this Christmas program. In Priesthood Cody Lundgreen gave the lesson. He shared a personal experience he'd had while back and it really touched me. He said that he was praying and felt like there was a wall between him and the Lord. As he knelt there pondering why this was happening he had a distinct impression come. "Cody, you can do better." I wonder if that's what I've been feeling these past few weeks/months. "Sam, you can do better." I know that I can. Especially with my gospel study. I love Sunday School and Sacrament because I get to sit with Meg.

After church Meg and I headed up to her home in Syracuse. I was a little nervous because being around her dad stresses me out a little. I feel like I need to prove myself to him and I feel like I'm failing. It scares me because I'm in love with his daughter and I want his approval to be dating her. I feel that I get along with the rest of her family really well even if we do have pretty different interests. One great thing from last night was I being able to listen to Meg and her sisters practice a song they're going to be singing. They all have amazing voices and I was sad that I wasn't going to be able to hear them sing this. I felt kinda bad because I think Adrianna was a little self conscious with me sitting there listening to them especially when they broke it down and had each of them practice their own parts one at a time.

I have a migraine today which is really messing with my emotions and memories. It's really interesting that I have one because I just finished writing a paper for biology about migraine headaches. I think that last night I had a dream about something going horribly wrong between me and Meg and the emotions from that dream and bleeding over.

I'm really stressed about finals. I had my first dream about failing my finals last night and it's got me really worried. I feel like such a bad student because I haven't been studying up to this point and I really need to start. Mostly I'm worried about Math and Biology. In a few minutes I'm going be headed into Biology to start the review days. I missed a good chunk of math this morning because of my migraine and over sleeping. One week from tomorrow I will be done with finals and winter break will have started. Oh what a much needed break that will be.

I can be happy

So I woke up this morning and felt pretty rough. My head was hurting and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. They felt so heavy and dry. I forced myself out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom only to realize that I needed to get some clean garments which are sitting in a pile of clean laundry on the chair in my room. My shower helped to wake me up a bit. As I got upstairs to start pulling together everything for school my sweet mom had a great breakfast just about ready to eat. While rummaging around trying to find my notebook I realized that it was gone. I looked high and low and couldn't find it which is a major problem because I have ALL of my notes in there for my classes. This is a major problem because I have finals coming up and I am totally ill-prepared for them and now without my notes, I don't know what I'm going to do.

During math, Meg texted me and reminded me that I can choose to be happy right now. Even though it was a bad morning, I can still have a good day! I figure that if I can get my room and locker all cleaned out I will have a much higher chance of finding my notebook so that's what I need to do. I also have FHE to look forward to tonight at Temple Square to see the Christmas Lights! Life is good and I can be happy right now!

Mountains and Laugh attacks

It has been a while! So this last weekend was such a great one. The only problem with it was that it seemed to make the beginning of the week go by so slowly as I was anticipating Friday. It did finally come and it was up to my cabin to spend the night. I was looking forward to spending some time up in the mountains because that always seems to do me good and on top of that, I was looking forward to a storm that was supposed to roll in on Friday night and drop some serious snow. I was happy to share my beloved cabin with my friends and I hope they enjoyed it. I'm always a little worried bringing people up there for the first time, especially in the winter because of the small and simple fact that there is no running water (therefore you have to use the outhouse up on hill beside the cabin which can be a little uncomfortable in the winter) and it tends to be a bit on the chilly side in the cabin because of how old it is and how poorly insulated. (as a little side note, I hope everyone reading this enjoyed that crazy run-on sentence.)
Sunday evening I headed over to a great pre-Thanksgiving dinner which was pretty great. Following this Meg and I headed up to "the house" to do some homework. I was working on my Religious Diversity in America assignment and Meg did some Spanish and some studying for Anthropology. After a bit Meg decided it was time to get going on her muffins so we went on a walk up to her grandparents house to borrow some eggs and say a quick hello. It was actually quite enjoyable. They were happy to talk for a bit and I ended up with some amazing cookies and a little ice cream sunday. Once we got back I headed over to game-night. I felt bad I was so late because I'd promised to come...which I guess I did but I didn't make it in time to play any games.
Then it was back to Meg's and I got there in time to help her pull together everything for her muffins. She let me separate the egg whites which is always fun. They were super tasty muffins. The best part of the whole evening, and possibly the whole weekend was when Meg had an uncontrollable laugh attack which promptly spread to me. To say the least, we both ended up sitting on the floor of the kitchen a bit worn out.

(Photo taken by Meg)

Now, today has been a crazy day and a bit to stressful for my taste. I think it has to do with how tired I am. Once I can get some of these homework assignments out of the way the burden of life will be so much lighter to carry.

It's gone....

So sad story, I lost my iPod. I'm hoping it may show up but I'm not so sure if it will. I have no clue where it could be. On the bright side of things, this my give me an excuse to get a new one which means I'll have more space on it which will be an amazing thing. I've had that little guy for a good four years or so. It was two gig nano and it was getting to be pretty beat. The other sad part of losing my iPod was my headphones went a long with it...or at least I think they did because I can't find them either. All in all it's okay.
Life is still amazing. I also might be getting sick but it's really not bothering me as much as it usually does.  I think it just comes down to the fact that I can choose to be happy in any situation. This is something that I have to be reminded of rather often but I'm getting better about just doing it on my own. Life is just so much more fun when you're happy. That's not to say that there aren't things that can and should cause grief and sadness. It just comes down to what we choose to do with those feelings. Are we going to let them build up and dominate our lives or recognize their presence and whatever is causing them, fix it, and move on? It's so much easier to dwell on the unhappy things in our lives but it sure doesn't do anything good for us.
Last night at Institute we were talking about the power of scripture in our lives and someone brought up Mosiah 3:19 which talks about how the "natrual man" is an enemy to God. It comes down to the fact that we are always going to struggle against that "natural man." The natural man is what entices us to do wrong, to be unhappy, to hurt others, to be prideful, and every other thing that is contrary to what God wants for us.

On Sunday I ran across my boss at church. Normally this is an okay thing...but not this time. I've been growing a beard for a few reasons and I've really enjoyed it. However, I've been a little worried the whole time because at work facial hair officially isn't allowed. I thought I just might be able to get away with it because I work on the grounds the whole time. Not so....my boss asked what the deal was with the beard which was his way of saying, "you need to shave or you wont have a job." So off it comes. One day I'll be able to grow it out again....maybe even later in the winter season once I'm not working anymore. So in short...all my facial hair is gone!

Birthday

So yesterday was my birthday and yet it already feels like it was forever ago. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it wasn't such an amazing day. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrible or anything but it was just....not really that good. I feel that this needs some further explanation.

For the past couple of birthdays...well maybe starting at around number 17 or so, my birthdays have gone down-hill a bit. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why this is happening because I really wish it wouldn't. I mean birthdays are supposed to be these awesome happy days.

Funny enough, I think that's where part of the problem lies. Ever since I was little I've had pounded into my head that birthdays are these special days where you are almost king of your little part of the world. When I was younger, this worked out alright. I had birthday parties, lots of presents, and everything else that comes with a birthday. (It's amazing how self centered birthdays are!) However, now life doesn't slow down in the least for your birthday. It just keeps going.

Every year I try to not get my hopes up for anything to special on my birthday but every year I fail. This year was no exception. I tried so hard to not have any expectations but somehow I must have because yesterday was a bit of a disappointment. Once again, I must say that my birthday wasn't a terrible day, it just wasn't what I was hoping for. One of the problems is that I don't really know what I was hoping would happen so I don't know how to fix it.

I need to point out that there were some very good parts of my day. There were two main  highlights of my day. First was when Megan came to say a quick happy birthday before she had to head off to Chrony Class. It was something I'd been looking forward to for most of the day. The other highlight was going home teaching. It was such an amazing spirit filled visit. In all truth those two happenings made the day pretty great.

Anyway, I don't know if this made any sense at all but I thought I'd get it out there. All in all, life is still great. It's crazy to think that I'm now 22. I was still getting used to 21, not to mention 19 and 20....

Horses and Aviators

So this weekend was the best weekend I've had in a long time! That's not to say that I haven't had good weekends, this last one was just especially amazing. I'm going to start at Saturday and move along from there. So Meg told me to keep my morning free because she had a surprise for me. I woke up at about 8:30 and got ready for the day (I made sure to wear my most cowboyesque stuff) and then I rather impatiently waited for 9:45 to come. I was very much looking forward to what ever it was that Meg had in the works. (I must say that by this point I had a pretty good guess about what it was but that's beside the point.) So she came to picke me up and we headed north to Ogden where we would meet up with her parents, little sister, and a family friend. When they drove up my suspicions were confirmed, we were going horseback riding! I was so excited because up to this point in my life, I'd never done this.
We made the journey up to a little place near Snow Basin. My excitement was mixed with a good strong dose of nervousness. I was worried I might make a total idiot of myself in front of her family. Getting on the horse was easier than I'd expected and once I was there my nerves started to calm down just a bit. I was riding a great horse named Missy (I should think that's spelled at least somewhat right...). As we headed off my nervousness disappeared. Meg had tried to tell me that it wouldn't be hard or scary and by this point I finally believed her. One of my favorite things was watching the personalities of the horses. For the first bit I was riding behind Meg's little sister and her horse, Opi, loved to stop every minute or two to get a mouthfull of grass. This would lead to short game of catch up where Opi would take of at a trot which meant Missy would do the same. I'm sure this helped to give me a rather sore seat these past two days...
It was so much fun to be out in the mountains, on a horse, with great company, doing something I've always wanted to do.
After horseback riding and a great lunch/dinner Meg and I started to make our way back to Salt Lake. On the way I realized that I still needed part of my costume so we stopped at Layton Hills Mall. We ended up in Macys and I found an awesome coat that would double as my costume so I forked out the money and got it. All in all it turned out to be an awesome costume thanks to all the help I got pulling it together.
Later that night we went to a crazy party, danced a bit, talked a bit, caught up with old friends a bit, and then watched a movie.
Sunday brought Stake Conference which was about as good as I can ever remember Stake Conference being. I was in the choir under the direction of my awesome cousin who, in my opinion, made us sound really good. Later that day was my family birthday dinner where we celebrated a total of four birthdays, mine included.

Life is good, what more can I say?

The wonders of sleep

I find it amazing what  good nights rest can do. I was having a terrible day yesterday and I just couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. It was odd because in some ways I didn't even want to pull myself out of it. I  was almost enjoying being unhappy but at the same time not... So around 10:00 I just headed off to bed. I was tired of being awake and tired of having the same frustrating/depressing thoughts racing around my head.

This morning I woke up at 6:00 and things were so much better. I'm sure it helped that I knew I could go back to sleep for two more hours which I promptly did. Somehow sleep seems to ease or even erase negative feelings. What a gift that is.

Rescued

Do you ever feel like in this big huge world with so many talented people you don't stand a chance? I know I sure do at times. I've actually thought a lot about this recently. I tend to be very critical of myself. I see all my flaws and then blow them up 100 times to examine them even closer and forget to reduce their size back down to normal. When this happens my vision is obscured and it leads to me thinking that I don't have anything special, anything I can call my own. It's so easy to look around and see all the wonderful qualities in others but as soon as I look in the mirror it's like everything goes dark. Mind you this doesn't happen all the time but it does happen and it's not fun and definitely not healthy. It's so easy to get sucked into this negativity about myself and the longer I'm there the harder it is to climb back out.

Sunday night brought with it a great Fireside with Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and he said some things that really resonated with me. He spoke of how ordinary a man he is and how when he was younger, he felt he didn't have any talents, anything unique to call his own. He spoke of how when his father was writing an autobiography (I think that's what it was) he spent a good page talking about each of his children...except for him. All he got was one short sentence, "Tom surprised us." What an amazing sense of love I felt from my Father in Heaven that night as I realized that if this great man, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ had felt these same feelings and still did at times, there was still hope for me. I was once again reassured that even though I may not be "the best" at anything in particular, I still have qualities and talents that can set me apart, that are lovable. It's amazing to me how easy it is to fall into the trap of believing I'm not worth anything, that no one could ever really love me once they got to know me. I almost fell into that same old trap again today but the thought of what Elder Perry said quietly entered my mind like a life boat and pulled me out of what was becoming a swirling ocean of doubt. I felt it was worth sharing.

Corn, Angels, and My Xyloto

Life sure has a way of throwing you all off kilter. I've had the most amazing past couple of weeks. I'm in one of the periods of life where everything seems to be working out for the best and I couldn't really ask for anything better.
This last Friday I went on an adventure up to Syracuse, Utah to meet an awesome family, have dinner with some amazing people, and go to a fantastic corn maze. Saturday brought a much shorter work day than expected (this was so welcome and needed!), a depressing football game, and a super fun night watching Doctor Who where I learned about some creepy creatures called Angels.

Sunday was real busy.
8:00am - Text the Bishop to let him know about his appointments for the day
8:01 - Go back to sleep
9:00 - Get up and shower/eat
10-10:45 - Bishopric Meeting
10:45-11:45 - PEC
11:45-12:45 - Stake Presidency Meeting
1-4 - Church
4-4:30 - Mingle with chips and salsa
4:50 - Pick up Meg and eat an amazing muffin
4:55 - Stake Choir Practice
7:00 - Fireside with Elder L. Tom Perry
8:15-11:00 - A wonderful evening with an amazing person
11-12:15 - Talking to a good friend about love, life, moving out, moving on, and everything in-between
12:30 - Get ready for bed and read "one idea" in the scriptures and ponder myself to sleep
This morning I woke up at 6:30 to give myself some time to study for a math test which I felt more than a little unprepared for. It ended up being the first math test this semester where I answered every singe problem and I really think I may have gotten all the answers right. We shall see. I got home early from school today and made better than average bowl of Mac'n'Cheese while listening to the amazing new Coldplay album My Xyloto. (Somehow I'd totally forgotten this came out today and so when I was reminded it was like Christmas came early!)

Tonight I have a big FHE with my family to look forward to. Life is good. I don't think I would change a single thing.

Photography

At the end of my Sophomore year at East High School I was signing up for classes and I needed some elective credits. As I looked over my options I remembered my sister taking a photography class. More specifically I remember going on a family vacation to California where we visited the Getty Museum. While there I can so vividly remember Anne (my sister) pull out her camera to take a picture for her photography class. I was fascinated by how this little thing worked. She must have noticed my curiosity because she let me take a peek through the viewfinder and play around with the focus ring. It was so amazing to see how much control I could have with focus and how much fun it was to have that control. I remember listening to the sound of the shutter each time she pushed the shutter-release. As this memory came flooding into my mind it only made sense to sign up for Photography. Little did I know that this would spark a love for capturing the world around me on film.

Throughout that year I learned how to control different creative aspects such as depth-of-field, motion, and grain. It was an amazing adventure to learn how to load my very own Canon AE-1 film camera and how to adjust the aperture and shutter speed to get the desired result. It was with this camera that I captured my very first negatives that I later turned into prints. The first time I stepped into the film developing darkroom I was so nervous about doing something crazy and messing up my roll of film. Having the lights go out to be left in complete and utter darkness didn't help to ease my fears. I was forced to rely entirely on my sense of touch to pry open the film canister, load that film onto a spool, cut it away form the canister, load the spool into a lightproof container and get the blasted lid screwed on straight, which was much harder than it sounds. Once this was done it was time for the chemicals. Oh the joys of film photography! Once this was done it was off to the printing darkroom to actually make my final prints. 

Four years later I am still in love with Photography. There is something so satisfying about going into the world and capturing what I see in a picture that can then be shared. I don't claim to be any good but I sure enjoy it. Every person sees the world through their own eyes and photography is one of the best ways, in my humble opinion, to share the way I see the world. I love it.

Just in case you may want to see a few of my pictures just  Click here.

Life Hurts

Well, it's been a few years since my last post and I must say a lot has changed in my life. When I left for my mission I was a pretty naive kid with no real sense of purpose in life. I knew I wanted to serve a mission but I didn't have a real good reason to do so. Even though I didn't know what to expect from my mission, it wasn't what I got. It was by far the hardest and most stressful experience of my life. I was exhausted 24/7 and I had an almost constant feeling of inadequacy. It was a real vicious cycle. The more tired I was the more discouraged I got. This discouragement led to more stress and therefore more fatigue.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the experiences I had on my mission for anything. I the valuable truth that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. I had the head knowledge but my heart didn't believe this for much my my mission. I remember feeling so down and out because I just "knew" that I wasn't living up to my full potential and therefore my Heavenly Father must be so disappointed in me. I would then feel a peace and a love wash over me in a way that said "You're doing okay. I love you and want you to be happy." It was these moments that showed me that my Heavenly Father wont give up on me and all He expects me to do is try my hardest even if it means failure in the eyes of the world.

Since being home I have had some amazing highs and some horrible lows. I've struggled with some depression and anxiety which has been the source of many of the low spots. My mission has given me the tools to fight off these low times and just keep pushing forward. It's helpful to know and realize that life isn't always going to be easy and happy. That's just not the program. We're here on this earth to work, struggle, and fight our way through difficulties and challenges. Once we can really accept this, these hard times become a little more manageable.

I know that Autumn is finally here. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping, and my seasonal depression is trying to get a foothold in my life. Depression is so interesting. It just seems to suck the color and happiness right out of life. It's nearly impossible to describe the feelings to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. It's like being stuck in a bad dream with no way out. Colors loose their vibrance, relationships take an unhappy twist. It seems that nothing will ever feel good again. It is in these times that I am so grateful for a loving Savior who has felt these same things, who knows exactly how I feel, who knows how to help me. That help doesn't always come as quickly as I would want, in fact it rarely does. Though it does come and it's always when I need it most. It seems to come right as I'm about to give up. He is so patient as I try to understand why I have to deal with the things I do and as I am so impatient with seemingly unanswered prayers.

Life hurts. There is no escaping that fact. However, that hurt does not have to define my life. I don't have have to focus so much on the hurt that it becomes my life. I am in charge. As I have realized this I have become a much happier person. Life is for living, not sorrowing.