What a day!!

It all started off with an amazing breakfast burrito my mom made for me. Follow this I headed up to work. It was just starting to snow as I pulled in to Larkin Sunset Lawn. I knew we had more to do than usual but I had no idea I'd be working til almost six in the evening. I never work that late! Anyway, Ben pulled up in a vault truck soon after me and we both jumped in "the bug" and headed up onto Sunrise to find the location for the burial. Once there we found where it was we had to find the marker and get the exact measurements of where we were to dig. With the plot outlined in bright orange string and armed with shovels we began to cut back the grass. It's odd to have it snowing quite hard and yet be digging in very hard very dry dirt....Anyway, after the grass was all laid out next to the plot it was off to pick up the back-hoe and dump truck. By this point the snow was really coming down. As I looked back I could see two very different sets of tire tracks through the light layer of snow on the grass. After lining up the dump truck I hoped out to watch, as usual. Bucket after bucket of dirt was transferred from the deepening hole to the ever growing pile in the truck. As we approached the regular depth we both were a bit confused because we should have scraped the top of the vault that was already there by now. (There was a baby buried there last year and the family wanted the baby's vault to be pulled out and then placed on top of the one for today.) We just kept going and we quickly found the vault at double depth. After we finished digging we headed down to Carls for a nice lunch break. By this point there was enough snow on the ground that the grass was no longer visible and it was starting to stick in the parking lot. After lunch we had to pull the blades off the big riding mower and put on the snow blower. The service had started inside at this point so we were feeling a little rushed. Ben took off in the truck and started plowing the parking lot while I jumped on the mower/snow-blower and cleared a path from the service road all the way up to the graveside. It's a little odd snow blowing on the grass...but I guess its just like it was weird the first few times I drove the truck on the grass. It's just something that takes getting used to. Right after all that was done we had to cruise and get everything ready at the gaveside. First we had to lay down the planks and the U bars to set the vault on. Second I got Ben lined up so we could set the vault. Third came the greens around the vault. Fourth was setting up the tent and chairs. All the while the snow kept coming down harder and harder and was really building up on the ground. Once we were all done Ben had to go plow the parking lot again and I had to re-do the path up the to graveside. Before I knew it the service was over and we were back up there to break everything down which went much faster. After lowering both vaults into the hole we began the backfilling. The load of dirt in the truck didn't fill it all the way so Ben set me to work tamping it while he went to get another bucket of dirt in the back-hoe. He got back and found me really struggling with the tamper cause the dirt was a foot or two below the surface at this point and that made things very difficult cause the tamper isn't much taller than that. Just and awkward angle. By this point it was starting to get dark and really cold so he took over for me cause we wanted to get home. So we filled it up the rest of the way, threw down the grass and tamped it a final time. I'm thinking that tomorrow we'll have to go back up and kinda clean up/fix it.
I got home and found that there was about 3 inches of snow that I had to hand shovel. It really wasn't to bad though. Right after that I came in to my house for the first time and almost immediately sat down to dinner. Then it was down for a quick shower before heading over to Mark and Chelsae's house. I'd been looking forward to and dreading this ever since I found out I was to give Mark a blessing. This was my very first blessing I'd ever given and I was terrified. After sitting for a few agonizing minutes and catching up a bit Mark got up to grab a chair. I was terrified as I watched him sit down in that chair. I didn't feel ready. As I put my hands on his head and started the most amazing thing happened. There was this sense of calm and peace that came over me. I'd always heard about similar things but I didn't know if it would happen for me but it did. It was a very short rather jumbled blessing but I did it. It feels so good now that it's over and it's very reassuring to know that I can do it!
After the blessing we had a bowl of ice cream with a brownie and then we headed home. Once there my dad had me consecrate some oil. So I will go to bed having had a very full and eventful day! It feels so good to have gotten some really good things done.
Well I'm off, sorry this whole thing was so rushed, I'm just very tired and need to sleep!

I'm done!

So I'm finally done with my mission papers! I haven't turned them in yet cause I don't have a mission picture but I'm done with all the doctors appointments and filling out all the tedious questions and the such. It feel so good and yet it's a little scary to think that there is a possibility that I could be gone before Christmas. I know that it's INCREDIBLY unlikely but it's possible. At times I can't wait for the day to finally come, I'm so excited and ready to go share what I know to be true with everyone I meet. Then I'll start thinking about everything I'll have to leave behind for two years. Home, family, friends, music, time to myself, free time to just laze around, movies, internet, my home ward, dating (not that I really date a whole lot...but still), the birth of my first nephew, spending hours reading a book (other than the BoM), my mom's amazing home cooked meals, my bed, my room. But then I think about what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to get to spend the next two years serving the Lord with everything I have. I'm going to be close to him and more in tune with the spirit than any other time in my life. That alone makes it all seem worth it. Though I still can't help being terrified. Part of it is I don't know where I'm going yet and there's a certain stress that comes with that. I don't know. I'm just starting to get a little restless. I guess it's just hard to grasp that my mission is really almost here.
So the reason I havn't been updating my blog a whole lot is that nothing really happens in my life. I've just been getting all my doctors appointments finished up. I got my hair cut today so I can now to get my picture taken so I can submit my papers. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and so now I just need the one with my Stake President. I got a whole bunch of new music from Kate wich was so awesome and I got the new Taylor Swift cd which is amazing by the way. Today I also droped by Jocelyn's house and gave her a CD and she in turn gave me one and as I'm sitting here listening to it I'm loving it! I'm about to head off to see Thourghly Modern Milly down at East. I saw it on Saturda night and loved it so I'm making my parents come with me again tonight for FHE. Well I'm off to grab a bite to eat before the play!

Life on my own

Well it's coming up on two months since my last post. I must say however, that it feels much longer than that. I don't really know why I haven't written in so long. I've had plenty of time on my hands but I just never made it to my blog to update and write a new post. Anyway, I'm writing now so no use thinking about the past.
It was such a strange feeling when August came and went and my life didn't change....or so I though. As most of my friends headed off to start college I felt like I was frozen in the past or something. For the first time in thirteen years I wasn't going to school. I just kept working just like I had been all summer. As those who were starting college did their best to adjust to this new life style I was left in the dust. They were very busy and a little stressed out, all understandably so. However, as the weeks passed nothing seemed to change. I still wasn't getting many texts or phone calls to hang out and when I did all anyone talked about was college life. It was okay for the first little while but it got very old very fast. I felt like I just wasn't cool enough to hang out with the new college freshmen. I tried for a while but I got sick of being blown off and I really didn't want to hear about what was going on with the fraternities or sororities.
Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still just working away up at the cemetery and I still have no social life. I feel sort of like I don't have any friends anymore. I feel like I never see anyone anymore. Looking at the bright side of this whole situation, I have had a chance to spend some more time with my family. That has been really fun so I guess not everything is all doom and gloom. I do however, want to see my friends again some day. I just hope they can fit me into their busy schedules.
As for what I'm doing right now, I'm just sitting down in Anne's room in Ceder City getting ready to go to sleep. My parents are in Europe til next Monday. They've been gone for a full week already and I haven't had a single crazy and wild party. It's so sad......no it really isn't. It is sad though, that in that week I haven't seen anyone. I've been incredibly isolated, or at least that's what it feels like. Well I need to get off cause my back is killing me from sitting here and I'm ready for bed!
p.s. I hope you're happy Brady. You inspired this post due to you're last comment.

California

On Friday the eighth of August I left on my first road trip with a group of friends. Alec, Nick, Tyler, Suzanne, and myself headed off towards Flagstaff Arizona where we would part ways with Suzanne. We passed the time by listening to a large variety of music and discussing a number of different topics. It proved quite effective in keeping me distracted enough to pass the time relatively quickly. As we got closer to Gail's cabin (Suzanne's destination) the weather began to take a turn for the worse. We ran into more and more rain and finally lightning and a downpour. Luckily for me, I love this kind of weather so all it did was improve my spirits. Once at Gail's we had to make the choice of staying the night there and then heading off first thing in the morning or leaving asap so as to try and make it to California by around one or two in the morning. Spending the night ended up winning and this being the case we had some time to kill. So we headed of, in the rain, to this amazing little area with a natural water slide and some cliff jumping. The water was amazingly warm due to the recent rainfall and this made my experience much more enjoyable because I HATE cold water. So my first order of business there was to check out this water slide. The river was forced into a narrow channel that wasn't too deep but still coated in this very very slippery moss. So you just sad down and away you went. This proved to be one of the highlights of the trip. I just loved it. As for the cliff jumping I didn't participate but Nick, Alec, and Gail made the jump. When we got back we played games and ate an amazing dinner. I headed to bed a littler earlier than everyone else cause I had to drive the next morning. So on Saturday morning we headed out at about 6:30 and after hours of driving we arrived at Alec's place at about 2:00. We then proceeded to the beach which was so fun! I just love the beach. Sunday morning Tyler, Nick, and myself found a YSA ward to go to and then came back. The only other thing worth mentioning that happened on sunday was we went out on this awesome little boat. It was more than a little scary because the waves wee quite large and the boat quite small. But all in all it was incredibly fun. Monday morning Max arrived and we headed to to beach. I really wasn't thinking so well cause I applied sunscreen once and assumed it would work all day, which it didn't. I ended up getting really burned. That being so I've spend the lest two days just sitting around hoping my burn will stop hurting and luckily it has...to an extent. I'm still very red and my shoulders hurt quite a bit but I'm finally to the point where I can move around without to much pain. Today we went to breakfast and saw an awesome BMW but other than that I think it's going to be a pretty layed back day. Me, Nick, and Max are staying off the beach cause Nick and I have burns and Max has a hurt ankle. I'm off though, I think we're going to play some Risk!

Exhaustion

I am so exhausted. I haven't slept to well the past few nights and its taken its toll on my energy. When we got up to our campsite I was pretty tired. Luckily I didn't have to do a whole lot and that being so I was able to save up a little bit of energy. When I went to bed I couldn't fall asleep. I kept flipping from one side to the other, then on to my back. Nothing I did stayed comfortable for long. I don't know how or when, but I finally ended up falling asleep only to wake up a few more times during the night. Not that it's weird for that to happen. In fact it's really strange if I don't wake up at least three times each night. I don't remember ever sleeping all the way through the night. But that's just my life. I'm pretty used to it. Anyway, yesterday proved to be a pretty relaxed day as well. I just read/finished my book and played two games of Risk with Mark, Chelsea, John, and Barb. It was so much fun! I haven't ever really been one to actively try and get people to play that game but yesterday....things changed. This probably had to do with the fact that I won the first game. Anyway, once it came time to get a fire going Barb and I started to set up the wood. I wanted to do it one way and Barb another but she kindly let me try it and I failed quite miserably so we went to her way which worked out very well. While doing this Mark was starting out on what would become an hour (or there abouts) quest to split a single log. John and I set out to find more firewood and ended up cutting the end off of a fallen tree in our campsite. All of this occupied our time till dinner. Also in the midst David, Jeff, and Breea showed up. Following dinner we all sat around the fire telling riddles. So this morning when I woke up I was planning on having a very light day cause I had over exerted myself yesterday with chopping wood and I need to save my strength to get better. Anyway, we ate breakfast and broke down camp following which we headed of to Mirror Lake. I ended up walking all the way around and once again using more energy than I wanted. Then for lunch we stopped at Provo Falls and I hiked around a little for some pictures. The final thing I did today that I wish I wouldn't have was I got an entire shake to myself. Sugar+dairy=no good for my cold. The whole day I've had pressure in my ears. The kind that doesn't go away because of my stupid cold. I hate it so much. One of my ears popped a little but the other one wont and its driving me crazy. So in short I'm pretty physically worn out.
On the other side, I'm also very emotionally drained. I've had a really short temper all day probably because of how tired I am. The whole day I've been looking forward to coming home, getting clean, and finally hanging out with Rosie and hopefully talking to her a little. Once I got reception I turned on my phone and found I had a few texts and missed calls. This brightened my darkening mood a little, just to know that I was missed at least a little. I texted Rosie to see if she was still on for coming home tonight and maybe hanging out and she said yes. This also brightened my spirits a little to have this confirmed. She said she wouldn't be home till about six and I knew that my parents and Anne wanted to go see Wall-E so I pushed for and earlier showing so I would be out by sixish. When it was over I was getting a little antsy to get home but they wanted dinner so I agreed thinking we would just go pick something up but no, we had to go in and sit down. I don't know why it bothered me so bad but it did. I was so frustrated. Then as I was sitting there I got a text from Rosie saying that she'd changed her mind and was staying up in Park City. Once again I'd banked on hanging out with her and once again it fell through. As the night wore on I found out that she was actually here getting some stuff and had gone up to dodgeball for a while after which she was at Kenzies house for a good thirty minutes. Not once did she say that she might want to see me or anything. I was going to ask if I could come over and say hi but decided against it. I kept putting on a happy face but moved on...well sort of. I headed off to Anthony's house and things just got worse. Shippy and Ashely showed up and for some reason the longer I sat there and listened to them talk the more frustrated and irritable I got. Finally I just left and went up to dodgeball to see if I could get my mind off anything. It didn't work at all. I kept my semi-happy face on but inside I was dying. I was tired, mad, hurt, and completely confused. Once it got to be to much I left. On the way home I was left to thinking. It hurts to much to get turned away again and again. I am just to emotionally worn out right now. I realize that the things that keep hurting me really shouldn't, but they do. This whole time that I've liked Rosie she's been telling me that she doesn't want our friendship to get ruined. I keep telling her that nothing like that is going to happen and yet...it is and it's all my fault. I've been placing what I want in front of out friendship and by doing this I've been getting hurt and that in turn has started to damage our friendship. I've come to the realization/decision that I'm going to just step back and try to go back to just friends.
Nothing is ever easy.

I hate being sick!!!

Well I got pretty sick almost over night two nights ago. I've had a slight cold for a while not but nothing to bad. Two nights ago as I lay in my bed I started to feel pretty terrible. I couldn't sleep and I was stiff and sore everywhere not to mention I could barely breathe. So I woke up and realized I told Ben that I would come in to work for a part day. I texted him to see if I could just come in to help him dig a hole and then go home and luckily he said that'd be fine. So I went in and we remembered that the dump truck was still down at Ford. So we headed down there to pick it up and when we got it it started to die so we had to take it back. Following this we had to go out to Sandy to The Gardens to get one of their trucks. It took forever. By the time we got back the Lawn it was way later than I had planned on staying and we hadn't even started digging yet. The one good thing was that the hole wasn't too hard to dig so we got it done pretty quickly. Even still, I hadn't eaten anything all morning and I felt like crap still and it was blasted hot. Anyway, when I got home I took a nice long shower and my mom made me french toast.
After breakfast I headed out with Anne to do some shopping for our family camping trip. I was really excited to have a chance to talk to her. When we got into the car she asked if she could make a phone call real fast. I didn't think to much of it and so I said yes. Little did I know that this one phone call would take the WHOLE time. She was on her phone the whole way there, the whole time we were in the store, and the whole ride home. I was in a pretty bad mood again when we got back home. Luckily I had getting ready for the cabin to distract me a little. The whole ride up I kept pretty much to my self with my headphones in and music up pretty loud so I didn't have to listen to everyone else. Once up there we realized we'd forgotten the keys so we had to wait for John and Barb to come up with them. It was really pretty fun being outside up in the canyon though. So once they got there we went in and I started reading cause I couldn't help with dinner due to me being sick. So I read and played solitaire for the whole time up there. It wasn't the funnest time I've had at the cabin....I just hate being sick. Along with everything else, I'm getting pretty sick of girls again. Well sort of.....it's more that I'm done trying to make anything happen. I figure that if someone likes me enough to want anything they'll show it. Actions speak so much louder than words. But then again this may just be me being stupid. It's happened many times before not to mention that I've been in a pretty bad mood these past few days.
Anyway, on a lighter note. I'm sorta starting to feel a little better today, at least where my cold is concerned. I'm not quite so achy and I can breathe through my nose which is nice. The one down side is that it's started to move into my chest so I'm starting to get a little bit of a cough. I'm also pretty excited for out camping trip that we leave for today. We're going up to Moosehorn Lake in the Uintas till Saturday. I can't wait! It'll be such a nice break from everything or so I hope.

Canon and Stargate

The first thing I want to say is that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Canon by Pachelbel. I have always loved this song. I used to have it on a CD which I lost and I've been looking for that version for years. I finally found it and I posted it on here so feel free to check it out. I don't know what it is about it that just makes me happy when I need to be happy or sad when I need to be sad. There is something about it that can compliment just about any mood I'm in. It just that much better because I finally found this version of it. I have yet to actually download/find it on a CD but it'll happen eventually. Music has a certain power. It can inspire both good an bad. I find it interesting that something as simple as music can hold so much sway over our emotions and through that, our actions.

I want to take some time to talk about a certain TV show that I became completely addicted to when I discovered that Brady had the first two seasons on DVD. I've always enjoyed Stargate for some reason. Maybe it was the whole idea of being able to go to other worlds, or the fact that I've always been a bit of a succor for Sci-Fi and Fantasy...well mostly Fantasy. Anyway, I'd never actually watched any episodes in order so I never knew there was a larger storyline that connected them all. As I began blowing through seasons it never failed to amaze me how perfectly written these shows are. I couldn't find a single loophole anywhere. When I bought the tenth season it came with a sort of documentary on the history of Stargate and how it ties into all the ancient mythology from our history. I think that was one of the reasons it was so interesting, it gave a new spin on all the mythology without changing it in the least. On top of everything else the connection viewers can make with the characters. I can remember a few times when while watching I actually got sorta emotional cause one of the main characters died. I know it's a little sad that a TV show made me tear up but what can I say?

Pictures and Dreams

I have spent today working and sitting here staring at this computer screen. It all started off when my dad woke me up to let me know we were leaving to go to Eggs in the City for breakfast. I was driving us down cause I had to leave early but when we got to my car....it was all wet. I had left the windows down and the sprinklers went off and soaked the inside of my car. Luckily it's been pretty hot so I just left the windows down at work and everything dried off nicely. At work today we had an entombment and we had to dig another hole. Nothing to excited cept a huge branch fell off a tree and so we spent a few hours cutting that up and making sure all the dead branches were down. Once home, I showered and headed over to the Hydes to take in their paper and mail. This time over I brought my little digital point and shoot. I never realized how beautiful that yard was until I went back there with a photography mindset...if that makes sense. I just wish I had a better camera that could really capture everything; all the colors and the real depth. Oh well, I'll just have to to wait till I can afford a camera that can do that.
These past few hours have been pretty strange for some reason. I've been going through all my music and getting rid of the stuff I never listen to. I've found quite a few songs that I didn't know I had; songs from earlier in my childhood. I never thought I'd hear them again and then there they were! I also cleaned up the memory card on my phone. When I pulled up the window to check out what was on there I was surprised to find two image folders. When I opened the first one I found some of the pictures from my old phone that I'd hidden for fairly obvious reasons. They were all of me and Victoria. I was shocked to find that although I was hit with a slight pang of loss, there was nothing more than that.
Last night I had a crazy dream...it was the first day of school. I was walking back into good old East High but I wasn't a student anymore. I was off to find Frank to talk to him about some photo stuff but I got pulled aside by Story and then all of a sudden I was a student and once again I was off to Franks. He told me that I couldn't get any supplies from him cause I wasn't a student. It kept switching between me being a student and not. Pretty crazy. Not to mention that the building I was in was NOT the real school. It was so weird.
Alex's last post really hit me. I don't think I could put it much better than she did. Ever since I got home from work today I've been feeling really off. Nothing has felt quite right. It was almost like I was watching someone else living my life while I was off somewhere else fighting to gain control. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. The pictures of Victoria and myself we a clue that I didn't quite pick up on. After reading Alex's post I realized what's going on. Quite simply, I'm lonely. I miss having someone who is always there to talk to. Someone who wants to hang out with me all the time, someone I know will support me through the hardest times in my life. Someone who can cheer me up with nothing more than just a smile. Why is life so hard sometimes?

Photography and Fireworks

Monday goes down as the day I saw The Dark Knight. It was so good! I will admit that in the hours right after seeing it I really didn't think I would ever watch it again. I had a pretty bad feeling about it but as some more time has passed and as I've talked to more people about it I really want to see it at least one more time. Everyone I've talked to who has seen it more than once has said that the second time is a lot better because you can see past some of the violence and such. Anthony put it very well when he said, "The second time through it is SO MUCH LESS nerve wracking and you pick up on a lot of the more hopeful tones in there." At some point I will indeed see it again.
So today I was reminded of the fact that I'm house sitting for my neighbors when she showed up at my door with the list of stuff to do and the codes and what not. It was actually made me pretty dang happy cause it's always pretty easy doings and great pay; especially considering what I have to do. A little later in the day (right in the middle of a particularly intense episode of Stargate) my mom got a call from Cindy saying that she left something and so we had to go over and try and find it. Just a bit of background before I go on....a few days ago I was cleaning my room and found a whole bunch of pictures I had taken for Photography and had stashed away. So as I started to look through them I sort of rediscovered my love for photography. There is something about holding my Canon AE-1 Program and manually focusing the shot and then getting the right F-stop and shutter-speed. I just love it! Not to mention when I manage to take an at least semi decent picture and then developing it and the feeling from doing something good! Okay, so that being said, when I stepped into the backyard I instantly saw something I'd never seen before. Some potentially amazing shots. Later, that is after I finished season 10 of Stargate and showered, I headed over with my camera and started to shoot. I'm not sure if any of them will really turn out exactly how I want them to but at the very least it was very fun and brought back some good memories. However, I was cut short when I looked at my phone only to see that it was 6:30. I had to go pick up Russell and Jocelyn so I headed off with my camera, and extra roll of film, and my tripod. When I got to Russell's house I called and he said he was going to come down later with Tyler. So it was off to Jocelyn's and from there to Ashley's for dinner and fireworks!
I'd been looking forward to this for some time partly due to the fact that there were going to be some people there I hadn't seen in a really long time. Also I was quite looking forward to hanging out with a certain someone. It was so nice to finally see and hang out with so many people; I've really been anti-social. At least to a degree. I must admit that I spent a good sized amount of time thinking about some stuff going on in my life. Namely one thing, or rather one person and what I'm going to do (whether or not to keep pursuing a possible relationship). I had been hoping to hang out with Rosie today (that is earlier in the day). When I texted her she told me that she and Samir were going to go see a movie, just as friends of course. My first reaction was that of frustration and slight hurt at being blown off again. Especially for and x-boyfriend. Luckily I've gotten better at not letting jealousy take hold and fester. I was able to just ignore the fact that she was at a movie with Samir while I was sitting at my house. When she and Samir pulled up at Ashley's house I was surprised when I didn't feel anything. Normally I would have felt at least some small pang of jealousy. Nothing really happened for a while, that is until she and Taylor took of on a very long walk. By this point I was starting to get a little annoyed again but for the most part I was able to once again ignore it. For the most part I blocked the times when she was with Samir and Taylor. I felt very much like she would rather be with them and I was okay with that. I also know that I tend to over analyze everything when it comes to girls and so I chose to try to not think to deeply about all this. As much as I tried though, it didn't work so well. I kept going back and forth between wanting to just cut everything off right where it was and to keep going and see if anything would happen. It didn't help when she chose to get a ride home from Taylor. Oh well. I just didn't/don't want to get hurt again. I've liked Rosie quite a few times since eighth grade and every singe time it has turned out pretty bad with her going for some other guy. I really have felt like this time is different though and so I decided to just keep trying. Not to mention that this time I also really like her quite a bit. I have no clue how this will all play out.....I'll just have to wait and see. I guess I have to realize that because I tend to read to deeply I get the wrong impressions/signals or what ever. Hence, I'm going to just wait and see what happens. So that's what's been going on with me these last few days.

Trek and Layton Timpine

So I need to do some catching up, as usual. Trek. Trek was so incredibly amazing. It really wasn't what I thought it was going to be like but that's okay. So Tuesday morning I headed up to the stake center to find out who's family I'm in and what not. After we found out we sat with our new families and had a little orientation. I don't really remember what they talked about but part way through they dismissed all the real parents and we late found out why they had done that when as we left we were walking through halls lined with our parents singing push forward saints. Then in was on to the buses. One of the buses had problems so we had to get a new one and that added a whole lot of time on so when we finally got to where we were going we were way behind schedule. After another brief orientation we loaded up the handcarts and headed out. It was 2.5 miles of semi-difficult pulling. Following this we set up camp and headed over to the dance which proved to be one of the highlights for me even though it wasn't very long. Then dinner was followed by sleep. The next day was Martins Cove. It was a humbling spiritual experience walking through the cove in silence. Before Trek I never knew that the only two outdoor dedicated areas are Martins Cove and the Sweetwater River crossing. That night when we were all set up at our new camp site the different families all chose a song to sing for everyone else. Music brings the most amazing spirit. My family spent the night just singing every song we could manage. Thursday was supposed to be the hardest day because we had to pull the handcarts for 10 miles but to me it seemed to be one of the easiest. For some reason once I got through the first couple miles it started to become a lot easier for me to keep on going. We had the river crossings as well which were a nice break from the heat. Once we got to camp and had dinner we had a fireside with everyone where the all the bishops that were there spoke to us. Following this we had out own smaller testimony meetings with our families. I'm not going lie. It wasn't as spiritual as I had expected it would be. That's not to say that it wasn't spiritual, just not as much as I wanted. In the morning we headed out and got home at around 2:30. Over all it was a really good experience for me but it wasn't what I had expected.
Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day. I woke up and headed in to work only to find that there wasn't anyone there so I texted Ben (my boss guy) and when he didn't respond I headed home. Once there I got a text from him that we had two burials and that he was off. In a panic of sorts I got into my work cloths again and got up there as fast as I could only to find that Max and some people from Sandy were there and had taken care of everything. Even with that done I stayed til the service was over and helped a little on breaking down everything and getting the lid of the vault. Once this was done I headed home early to get ready for my cabin. I was pretty happy I didn't have to stay for the backfilling and what not cause I just wasn't in the mood. So I got home and was going to go to lunch with Rosie but I guess I hadn't realized that it was like 1:30. Because I had been a little to long at work she was already with Morgan and they were watching Batman Begins in peroration for tomorrow (The Dark Knight). So I ended up just sitting around for a few hours watching TV. I had to wait for Mark and Chelsea to get back from a wedding reception or something like that cause I was catching a ride up with them. Around 7:40 they showed up and off we went.
I think one of my absolute favorite feelings is stepping out of the car up at my cabin and feeling the crisp air and smelling the clean pine scented mountain air. It never fails to bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits. Once I got everything unpacked I immediately sat down and started to read my book. I spent a good hour or two reading taking a break for some dinner. Finally I was forced to stop when I heard a game of Nerts was about to begin. I happily played until my shoulder started to really hurt which made it to hard to play cause I couldn't really move it so much. So I went back to reading and once I got to tired to do that I got ready for bed and fell asleep. This morning I woke up and did a little more reading and then took a shower and got read for church. We headed off up to the Brighton circle where the Chapel is. I can't believe how lucky we were to be there on this particular Sunday. There was a special speaker. Marvin Goldstein who is an internationally acclaimed pianist who also happens to be a professor at BYU. So he gave a short testimony and then played the piano for the last half hour of the meeting. It was incredible. Once again, music brought the spirit into that meeting like nothing else could. He just started playing, going through hymns, primary songs, and the such. It was mind blowing to me how he just started playing what ever he felt would be right. One song blended into another. It was thirty minutes of strait music, no pauses between songs or anything. He was able to just merge the songs on the spot, going from one key to another. I wish I could have recorded it and put it up here cause it was one of those things you just have to hear to really understand. Anyway, once it was over I headed back down to my cabin where I changed and started to read again. I finished my book after an hour or two. I was sorta sad when it was over cause I wanted to keep reading! Once I was done I headed over to join in on a card game Mark, Chelsea, and my parents were playing and it wasn't to long after that that John and Barb showed up. We then started a game of Seafarers of Catan. I lost pretty miserably but it was still fun especially because there was a pretty good thunder/rain storm. I love stormy weather and having it up in the mountains made it just that much better. The rain was beating down on the roof and the lightning was much closer than usual. First there would be a bright flash followed almost instantly by an almost deafening clap of thunder that would shake the windows in their frames and cause everyone to jump.
So in the area of girls...things have finally take a turn for the better. I found out that this person I like actually likes me back. Nothing quite compares to that feeling when you discover that the person you like has the same feelings for you. It's been a very very long time since this has happened to me.

Girls and Treck

It's been another crazy couple of days since I last wrote. I have started to really like this girl....again. I've liked her off and on for a very long time. In fact I don't know that I ever really stopped liking her from the start. Anyway, these last few days have been pretty crazy for me in regards to how I feel about her. I keep going back and forth between wanting something to happen/thinking that something might happen and the complete opposite of seeing no hope of anything to happen/not wanting anything to do with her. It's really hard and I have no idea what to do because I feel like I'm getting very mixed signals. I want something to happen but not if things continue to go the way they have been. I keep trying to make time to hang out with her and it never works out how I wanted/planned. Either she ends up being busy with something or she's off doing something with someone else and "She'll get back to me when she can do something." This usually takes an hour or two by which time I'm either about ready to go to bed or so frustrated that I don't really want to do anything. I've heard from a few sources that she likes me and might even want something to happen. If this is so then she sure has an odd way of showing it cause when ever I'm with her I get the impression that she wants absolutely nothing to do with me in the way. It's really frustrating and I'm getting to the point where if I don't get some sort of confirmation that she actually does like me I'm just going to move on. Hopefully Treck will give me some time to think about everything and figure it out. Speaking of Treck, I really haven't been very excited to go, that is up until now. Getting ready for it has made me realize how much fun I can have, if I so choose. I went up to the Stake Center to weigh in my bucket and it just hit me. This could actually be really fun! There were so many people up there at the last minute getting everything ready for 6:00 tomorrow morning! It'll be an adventure. Well I think I might just go to sleep cause once again I sorta got blown off....again.

Sabriel and Otter-pops

Okay, so I'm pretty much exhausted right now so this'll prolly be a pretty short entry. So I had a pretty good piano lesson today which is saying something! That was an awesome way to start off the day. After my piano lesson I came home and read/finished the first book in a series that Nick gave me. I am absolutely loving these books so far. (I read the first one, Sabriel, in just a few days and I'm now on to the second. I would advise these to any fantasy lovers.) So I spent quite a while reading and then go called into work on my day off. What a bummer but oh well. It was nice seeing Ben again cause he's been gone for so long and that's made work pretty hard. (He's my supervisor guy that finds stuff for us to do.) Then at work Rosie brought me otter pops and it was so amazing! Not only the fact that I got otter pops at work but the simple face that she came all the way up there. It was fun seeing her again cause it had been a while. So life is still going pretty good, nothing has popped up making everything horrible like on Saturday and I'm determined to keep it that way. Welp I'm off to bed cause I've got work in the morning!

The beginning of the rest of my life!

Yesterday was a very bad day and I'm happy to report that I'm doing much better today. After I posted that post I went down stairs into my room and knelt down beside my bed and started to talk to my Father in Heaven. I expressed my concerns my worries my problems. I haven't prayed like that in much to long. I had forgotten the strength that comes from fervent meaningful prayer. Following that I sat down on my bed and pulled out my Patriarchal Blessing and really read through it. I didn't just glance over it. I was focussed on every sentence, every word. It's amazing to me how it just came to life for me. I received so much comfort from reading my blessing. Even if my life is going perfectly I'm at least feeling a lot better. I know that things are going to get better. I am determined to make my life better. I'm going to really try to do all the things I keep telling myself I'll do. This week is the beginning of the rest of my life so I had better make it count!

Rebuilding

My life fell apart on me again today. It's never fun when this happens. I never know how long it's going to last, how bad it's going to hurt, how much it's going to shake my confidence in everything I think I know. Quite honestly, ever since I broke up with Victoria my life has been in shambles. I know I've said it before but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's been over nine months and I'm still not...I don't even know what it is that I'm trying to achieve; whether I'm just trying to get over her or if I'm just trying to find something in my life to hold on to. I keep trying to figure out what's going on. I know nothing is going to go back to how it used to be. If I could have one wish it would be to have followed my dear mothers advice to break everything off with Victoria before I got to involved. I had committed to do it the next day when I went up to her cabin with her an her family. My mom advised me not to go but I knew I would be able to keep my resolve. When we got up to her cabin she was so happy, I was so happy. I couldn't bring myself to do it....so we stayed together for the next year and a half. That whole time we just got closer and more attached. However, as the months melded together I began to feel that something was wrong. I couldn't figure out exactly what it was but something just didn't feel right. I told her that I thought we might need a bit of a break and she didn't agree....at all. so we stayed together. Things were good for a while but I started to get the same feelings again and once again she didn't want any kind of break. Finally it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I ended our relationship and she didn't take it so well, but I didn't know what else to do. I knew we needed the break but as I started hearing these stories about her and Isaac I started to question my choice. Each time I heard about how they were seen cuddling, or how he kissed her, or how happy she was, each mention of her was a blow. I'm finally to the point now where it doesn't hurt as much but even if that doesn't hurt the side effects of that relationship are still very real. Because she was the absolute center of my life for so long everything else was pushed to the back of my mind, to the back of my life so to speak. Left there to crumble away while I thought it was all still in pristine condition. I'm still trying to figure everything out and I have these bad days every so often where everything seems so jumbled and confused. The thing I have to hold on to is the fact that I know things will get better. I know they always have in the past and I believe they will again. I just need to put forth the effort. Well I need to head off to bed. I'm off to start rebuilding my life....again.

Hearts and Waterfalls

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Now playing: Thomas Newman - Brooks Was Here
via FoxyTunes At roughly 3:00 in the morning on Saturday June 14 I was abruptly awoken when my mom came bursting into my room. "I think dad's having a heart attack." I didn't stop to think. I threw the covers off my bed and stumbled out of my room and sprinted up the stairs to see my dad with his hand clutching his chest leaning against the wall. Soon he was sitting on the edge of the piano bench bent over in pain. I couldn't believe this was happening. It seemed like hours passed as we waited for the paramedics to get there and by that time my dads whole left arm was numb and the pain in his chest was getting worse. As my mom left for the hospital she told me to call all my siblings. As I did this the reality of the whole situation set in. After what felt like an eternity my mom called an said that Mark and John had arrived and given my dad a blessing and that he was stable for the time being and that I should try and get some sleep. As I lay in my bed sleep quickly overtook me. A few hours later I woke up to find out that my dad was doing quite well. None the less, when I first saw him laying in a hospital bed it was a little unnerving. However, he was happy and chipper as normal even if slightly worn out. Over the next forty-eight hours I had to decide whether or not to go to Havasupai. By Saturday night I had decided not to go. Sunday came and I was once again torn. I spent most the day flip-flopping between going and not. In the end I decided to go and I am very happy I did.

PDA they always show.Havasupai proved to be one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to or seen. There was another twelve hour bus ride followed by a ten mile hike in to the falls. Words can't describe the beauty and pictures can't do justice but I'll to my best. The water was the most amazing aqua blue and the fact that you were allowed to swim in it made everything that much better. It seems like the general public isn't allowed to really get close to places like this. I'm amazing at the condition the grounds are in with how many people are there. The three days we spent there were spent hiking to different falls, relaxing, and spelunking. As amazing as it was there were a few parts I didn't like so much. Namely the drama that seems to follow us everywhere we go. Taylor and Rosie were a bit annoying because they broke up then immediately after got back together, not to mention all the That wasn't the worst part for me though. Victoria was the main reason I didn't have as much fun as I could have. I noticed that she was talking and flirting with me a lot more than usual. I felt the feelings I had for her begin to resurface. I had no clue why she was doing this. I finally got up the courage to talk to her I just needed to find the right time. The second night she wanted to go out with me to look at the stars. I found this a little odd but I took the opportunity. As we began talking I brought up the email I sent her and I asked if she'd gotten it and why she hadn't responded yet. I found out that she had responded and that the email had somehow not made it to my inbox. I couldn't wait to get answers so I just asked her what was going on. I asked her if she had any feelings for me still and I wasn't prepared for the answer I got. For the past eight months I've been harboring this hope that she might still like me and that something might happen to rekindle those feelings. When she said that she didn't I was stunned for a second. Everything I had hoped for fell away. I was left with the most empty, hollow, almost dead feeling in my gut. I did my best to mask my feelings and continue on with our conversation. It was just so hard. Luckily we made our way back to camp soon after that. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what I was feeling and what I was going to do. After a day or so of contemplation and a lot of beautiful distractions (waterfalls and the such) I figured that it was the best thing that could have happened. At this point I'm very happy about it all. Its almost like I'm free from a load I've been hauling around for too long. I think now that I know she doesn't have feelings for me any more I'll be able to move on a little better. It's hard but worth it. I hope that now I can really focus on rebuilding my testimony/strengthening it. I'm hoping that life will go a little better now!

Days of Graduation

So the past few days have really been busy for me. The weekend consisted of Senior Prom and getting ready for it. To tell the truth I don't remember exactly what I did on Friday but Saturday was the dance. I had to wake up at 5:00 am in order to pick up my date, Brady, and his date and still make it up to Park City on time. (6:30) The ride up was pretty fun, it was spent following John up the canyon. He's a pretty crazy driver at times so it made things pretty fun. Once we finally did get up there we drove out to the field and after waiting for a while we found out that we couldn't even go up because the air was to unstable. So that was a pretty big bummer. Pretty much we woke up super early just to go to breakfast. So following that I dropped everyone off and headed home to the welcoming comfort of my bed for a nice nap. When I woke up I headed down to get my vest after which I helped Kate and Jeff with their house. When I got the door to pick up Shelbie I was greeted by her mother (love the woman!) and when I stepped inside there she was. Absolutely gorgeous!! I felt very luck to have her as my date. So we then proceeded to dinner at the Market Street Grill which proved to be pretty fun. I didn't talk to Shelbie a whole lot. She seemed a lot more interested in Alec and other guys. By this point I had realized that this wasn't going to be the date/dance I had previously envisioned. This being so, I put on a happy face and kept on going. The dance was really cool. I never would have thought I would be dancing in the State Capitol but it happened. I had originally really wanted to go paintballing for that after activity but I got the feeling Shelbie really didn't so I made the choice not to go and instead we went back to John's for a movie. It was awkward to say the least. Everyone but me and Shelbie were getting pretty friendly cause for the most part they were all dating. Everyone except Kevin and Suzanne. Anyway, it just wasn't very fun over all. I tried to make it a good experience for Shelbie even if I didn't have all that much fun. Anyway, I'm very glad it's over.
So Sunday was a pretty normal day at church....well I guess not really. I got my Duty to God award so that was fun. It comes with an awesome metal coin. As my dad pointed out at every opportunity, it's got some heft to it. After church I got ready for my Eagle court of honor. That proved to be way fun. Dave had his old scout shirt on for the eagle's nest. This proved quite comical due to the fact that Dave no longer fit into his shirt...So after that it was off to the Seniors Fireside at the Stake Presidents house. It was really fun to be with all the people in my stake but it wasn't quite what I had expected. It was good though.

So I'm finishing this entry a few days later I as a result of that I've forgotten some stuff about what I did. This also means it's probably not very important or interesting so I'm going to jump straight to my graduation. So the morning of we had a practice where they just talked us through everything and read through all the names. VERY boring. So after that, I spent the hours leading up to the graduation not really doing a whole lot. I watched some Stargate (which I'm pretty much obsessed with right now just fyi) and...thats about it. So once it came time, Samir picked me up and we headed down. To tell you the truth, the whole thing was rather boring. Nothing really sticks out other than the fact that, as many of the guys pointed out, all the girls looked quite good in white. Anyway, after the ceremony I took pictures with family and friends and headed home to get ready for Classic Skating. The bus ride there was pretty fun. Ali, Rosie and I played the zoom game for a while and just talked. I had a party that Classic as well. The roller blading itself proved to be the least fun activity. Quickwits was there and they were, as usual, hilarious. All the blowup stuff was really fun to play on as well. The whole night was just one big party, hence, it was my graduation party. After all this I decided to come home and go to bed rather than stay up any later and I'm quite happy I did. The next/last few days have been spent just relaxing on my own and going in to work. I finished watching season eight of Stargate today so that will free up some time for me because I don't know how I'm going to get the next few seasons now. Hopefully Micky will hook me up. I've also been prepping for Havasupi. I really hope I get everything packed that I need.

Viva la Vida

As I was reading some recent posts (not my own mind you) I realized that my life is about to start. I mean my real life; the life I'm going to be stuck in for...well for the rest of my life. Right now is my chance to become who I want to be. It's finally time for me to figure out who I really am. I have a feeling this summer is going to bring about some pretty big changes in my life. For one thing, I realized a few months ago that up until then I had been piggybacking on my parents testimony of the church and gospel. I never thought I would ever doubt anything I "knew" to be true. Much to my utter surprise, back in about January I woke up one day and realized I had almost completely lost my testimony of everything I once knew. I think it came about after I broke up with Victoria. My life sort of fell apart after that, everything that had been my life for the past year and a half was suddenly gone. I was completely devastated. Then she went out and got herself a new boyfriend way faster than I thought possible. I still remember sitting in my car at Davis park when Jocelyn broke the news to me that Victoria and Isaac had made out at least once already. It was the most stunning blow to my heart that I'd ever experienced. I could hardly breathe. I was falling. It felt like hours as I sat there in stunned silence trying to catch hold of something, anything, to stop the pain. What seemed like hours to me was, in reality, only a few seconds. That was just one of the many blows I received in the months to come. One thing after another, most of which were in some way connected to Victoria, led me to begin doubting everything I once believed. Nothing seemed solid anymore. I had cut myself off from all my previous friendships for so long I felt I had no one to fall back on. I didn't know anyone. All the people I knew were gone and in their places were these faces and personalities I couldn't relate to anymore. It took me a long time to get the the point where I felt accepted back into "the group." Once there however, I made little progress in regaining anything I had lost. In fact, it got to the point where I started to slide back down that hill into complete darkness. I didn't care about anything anymore. I wanted to have the desire to find out if the church was true, if I really did believe everything I once did but it just wasn't there. I can't describe what that is like. Wanting to want something but not knowing how to get there. As this continued, my interest in school diminished to the point where I didn't care if I passed. I didn't do any homework, I was completely disconnected from everything. After a few weeks of this I began to pull out of it ever so slightly so I went in to Lake to see if I could make up any of the missed work. As I talked to her I ended up venting to her. Much to my embarrassment I broke down. I never would have thought she would be someone I could go talk to about things that I couldn't even talk to my friends about. After that my life started the slow uphill climb to being happy again. As the days turned into weeks I began anew.
Since then I have had quite a few setbacks and the majority of those have been connected in some way to Victoria. I can't stress enough how much I would advise against a serious relationship in high school. I finally understand why the church has advised so strongly against it. I always thought it was to save kids from going to far physically. I realize now that possibly even more importantly than that it is to keep us from going to far emotionally. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard it has been to get over Victoria. It's been eight months and I'm still not over her all the way. As much as I loved the year and a half I had with her I'm not sure it was worth all the pain I've gone through as a result of it. During the time I was with her she was the center of my life. The church and other friendships got pushed to the back of my mind. I am so glad I broke up with her when I did. Had I waited until my mission.....I don't like to think of what that would have done to me when I got my Dear John. It would have destroyed me as a missionary. Not to mention there is a good chance that my testimony would have slipped ever further. I'm still very much in the process of figuring everything out where the church in concerned. Deep down I have a gut feeling that it's true but every time I tell myself that it is a whole barrage of doubts and questions begin to swirl around in my head and I begin to question myself again. It's so confusing and more than a little bit scary. What if I can't get everything pulled together by the time I have to put in my papers. I hate doubting everything. I wish I could go back and have my old testimony, just know that everything I've been taught is true. I don't know why I doubt it. It makes so much sense. I guess this is one of my tests in life.

On a very different thought train....

For the past few months I've been getting really sick of music. I know it's verging on blasphemy to say such a thing but it's true. I was so sick of everything I heard. Nothing was able to really keep my attention anymore. I got so sick of everything I had and I was scared to listen to anything new because I was scared of being disappointed. I'd heard that Coldplay, one of my favorite bands, had come out with a new song and it wasn't until today that I finally got around to listening to it. After listening to only 30 seconds of it on iTunes I hit the "buy now" button and I love it. My faith in music has been restored. I can't wait for the release of the rest of the album. I'm for sure going to actually go out and buy it which will make it the first album I've ever gone out to buy!

A better day

Luckily today has proven to be a much better day than yesterday, though it still wasn't the most amazing. I hope that things continue to get better. Today in A Capella we attempted to plan Senior Prom. I'm still confused about what activities I'm going to do. I know what I want to do but I'm not so sure if I will due to my lack of funding. I hate money. It's so stupid. Well I've got to get going for now. I'll post when I can.

Sick of high school

I am so sick of high school and all the disappointments. I can't wait to get out of here and just move on. Just tonight, I went to the senior awards night and of course...I sat through the whole thing in a blasted hot room and didn't get a single award. Of course, this would happen to me. I have a final English paper due tomorrow and I have no clue what do write about. On top of everything else I can't seem to fit in anymore. I don't have any close friends anymore. Everything feels like it's falling apart and there isn't anything I can do to make it better. I'm also very sick of girls and everything having to do with them. Nothing ever works out and it's gotten to the point now where it isn't even worth trying anymore. I wish I had a pause button for my life. I need more time to figure everything out but I'm not going to get it. Oh well, what can you do.

Day One

Well this is my first day here at blogspot and I'm looking forward to this. I'm not really sure what to expect so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.