I hate being sick!!!

Well I got pretty sick almost over night two nights ago. I've had a slight cold for a while not but nothing to bad. Two nights ago as I lay in my bed I started to feel pretty terrible. I couldn't sleep and I was stiff and sore everywhere not to mention I could barely breathe. So I woke up and realized I told Ben that I would come in to work for a part day. I texted him to see if I could just come in to help him dig a hole and then go home and luckily he said that'd be fine. So I went in and we remembered that the dump truck was still down at Ford. So we headed down there to pick it up and when we got it it started to die so we had to take it back. Following this we had to go out to Sandy to The Gardens to get one of their trucks. It took forever. By the time we got back the Lawn it was way later than I had planned on staying and we hadn't even started digging yet. The one good thing was that the hole wasn't too hard to dig so we got it done pretty quickly. Even still, I hadn't eaten anything all morning and I felt like crap still and it was blasted hot. Anyway, when I got home I took a nice long shower and my mom made me french toast.
After breakfast I headed out with Anne to do some shopping for our family camping trip. I was really excited to have a chance to talk to her. When we got into the car she asked if she could make a phone call real fast. I didn't think to much of it and so I said yes. Little did I know that this one phone call would take the WHOLE time. She was on her phone the whole way there, the whole time we were in the store, and the whole ride home. I was in a pretty bad mood again when we got back home. Luckily I had getting ready for the cabin to distract me a little. The whole ride up I kept pretty much to my self with my headphones in and music up pretty loud so I didn't have to listen to everyone else. Once up there we realized we'd forgotten the keys so we had to wait for John and Barb to come up with them. It was really pretty fun being outside up in the canyon though. So once they got there we went in and I started reading cause I couldn't help with dinner due to me being sick. So I read and played solitaire for the whole time up there. It wasn't the funnest time I've had at the cabin....I just hate being sick. Along with everything else, I'm getting pretty sick of girls again. Well sort of.....it's more that I'm done trying to make anything happen. I figure that if someone likes me enough to want anything they'll show it. Actions speak so much louder than words. But then again this may just be me being stupid. It's happened many times before not to mention that I've been in a pretty bad mood these past few days.
Anyway, on a lighter note. I'm sorta starting to feel a little better today, at least where my cold is concerned. I'm not quite so achy and I can breathe through my nose which is nice. The one down side is that it's started to move into my chest so I'm starting to get a little bit of a cough. I'm also pretty excited for out camping trip that we leave for today. We're going up to Moosehorn Lake in the Uintas till Saturday. I can't wait! It'll be such a nice break from everything or so I hope.

Canon and Stargate

The first thing I want to say is that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Canon by Pachelbel. I have always loved this song. I used to have it on a CD which I lost and I've been looking for that version for years. I finally found it and I posted it on here so feel free to check it out. I don't know what it is about it that just makes me happy when I need to be happy or sad when I need to be sad. There is something about it that can compliment just about any mood I'm in. It just that much better because I finally found this version of it. I have yet to actually download/find it on a CD but it'll happen eventually. Music has a certain power. It can inspire both good an bad. I find it interesting that something as simple as music can hold so much sway over our emotions and through that, our actions.

I want to take some time to talk about a certain TV show that I became completely addicted to when I discovered that Brady had the first two seasons on DVD. I've always enjoyed Stargate for some reason. Maybe it was the whole idea of being able to go to other worlds, or the fact that I've always been a bit of a succor for Sci-Fi and Fantasy...well mostly Fantasy. Anyway, I'd never actually watched any episodes in order so I never knew there was a larger storyline that connected them all. As I began blowing through seasons it never failed to amaze me how perfectly written these shows are. I couldn't find a single loophole anywhere. When I bought the tenth season it came with a sort of documentary on the history of Stargate and how it ties into all the ancient mythology from our history. I think that was one of the reasons it was so interesting, it gave a new spin on all the mythology without changing it in the least. On top of everything else the connection viewers can make with the characters. I can remember a few times when while watching I actually got sorta emotional cause one of the main characters died. I know it's a little sad that a TV show made me tear up but what can I say?

Pictures and Dreams

I have spent today working and sitting here staring at this computer screen. It all started off when my dad woke me up to let me know we were leaving to go to Eggs in the City for breakfast. I was driving us down cause I had to leave early but when we got to my car....it was all wet. I had left the windows down and the sprinklers went off and soaked the inside of my car. Luckily it's been pretty hot so I just left the windows down at work and everything dried off nicely. At work today we had an entombment and we had to dig another hole. Nothing to excited cept a huge branch fell off a tree and so we spent a few hours cutting that up and making sure all the dead branches were down. Once home, I showered and headed over to the Hydes to take in their paper and mail. This time over I brought my little digital point and shoot. I never realized how beautiful that yard was until I went back there with a photography mindset...if that makes sense. I just wish I had a better camera that could really capture everything; all the colors and the real depth. Oh well, I'll just have to to wait till I can afford a camera that can do that.
These past few hours have been pretty strange for some reason. I've been going through all my music and getting rid of the stuff I never listen to. I've found quite a few songs that I didn't know I had; songs from earlier in my childhood. I never thought I'd hear them again and then there they were! I also cleaned up the memory card on my phone. When I pulled up the window to check out what was on there I was surprised to find two image folders. When I opened the first one I found some of the pictures from my old phone that I'd hidden for fairly obvious reasons. They were all of me and Victoria. I was shocked to find that although I was hit with a slight pang of loss, there was nothing more than that.
Last night I had a crazy dream...it was the first day of school. I was walking back into good old East High but I wasn't a student anymore. I was off to find Frank to talk to him about some photo stuff but I got pulled aside by Story and then all of a sudden I was a student and once again I was off to Franks. He told me that I couldn't get any supplies from him cause I wasn't a student. It kept switching between me being a student and not. Pretty crazy. Not to mention that the building I was in was NOT the real school. It was so weird.
Alex's last post really hit me. I don't think I could put it much better than she did. Ever since I got home from work today I've been feeling really off. Nothing has felt quite right. It was almost like I was watching someone else living my life while I was off somewhere else fighting to gain control. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. The pictures of Victoria and myself we a clue that I didn't quite pick up on. After reading Alex's post I realized what's going on. Quite simply, I'm lonely. I miss having someone who is always there to talk to. Someone who wants to hang out with me all the time, someone I know will support me through the hardest times in my life. Someone who can cheer me up with nothing more than just a smile. Why is life so hard sometimes?

Photography and Fireworks

Monday goes down as the day I saw The Dark Knight. It was so good! I will admit that in the hours right after seeing it I really didn't think I would ever watch it again. I had a pretty bad feeling about it but as some more time has passed and as I've talked to more people about it I really want to see it at least one more time. Everyone I've talked to who has seen it more than once has said that the second time is a lot better because you can see past some of the violence and such. Anthony put it very well when he said, "The second time through it is SO MUCH LESS nerve wracking and you pick up on a lot of the more hopeful tones in there." At some point I will indeed see it again.
So today I was reminded of the fact that I'm house sitting for my neighbors when she showed up at my door with the list of stuff to do and the codes and what not. It was actually made me pretty dang happy cause it's always pretty easy doings and great pay; especially considering what I have to do. A little later in the day (right in the middle of a particularly intense episode of Stargate) my mom got a call from Cindy saying that she left something and so we had to go over and try and find it. Just a bit of background before I go on....a few days ago I was cleaning my room and found a whole bunch of pictures I had taken for Photography and had stashed away. So as I started to look through them I sort of rediscovered my love for photography. There is something about holding my Canon AE-1 Program and manually focusing the shot and then getting the right F-stop and shutter-speed. I just love it! Not to mention when I manage to take an at least semi decent picture and then developing it and the feeling from doing something good! Okay, so that being said, when I stepped into the backyard I instantly saw something I'd never seen before. Some potentially amazing shots. Later, that is after I finished season 10 of Stargate and showered, I headed over with my camera and started to shoot. I'm not sure if any of them will really turn out exactly how I want them to but at the very least it was very fun and brought back some good memories. However, I was cut short when I looked at my phone only to see that it was 6:30. I had to go pick up Russell and Jocelyn so I headed off with my camera, and extra roll of film, and my tripod. When I got to Russell's house I called and he said he was going to come down later with Tyler. So it was off to Jocelyn's and from there to Ashley's for dinner and fireworks!
I'd been looking forward to this for some time partly due to the fact that there were going to be some people there I hadn't seen in a really long time. Also I was quite looking forward to hanging out with a certain someone. It was so nice to finally see and hang out with so many people; I've really been anti-social. At least to a degree. I must admit that I spent a good sized amount of time thinking about some stuff going on in my life. Namely one thing, or rather one person and what I'm going to do (whether or not to keep pursuing a possible relationship). I had been hoping to hang out with Rosie today (that is earlier in the day). When I texted her she told me that she and Samir were going to go see a movie, just as friends of course. My first reaction was that of frustration and slight hurt at being blown off again. Especially for and x-boyfriend. Luckily I've gotten better at not letting jealousy take hold and fester. I was able to just ignore the fact that she was at a movie with Samir while I was sitting at my house. When she and Samir pulled up at Ashley's house I was surprised when I didn't feel anything. Normally I would have felt at least some small pang of jealousy. Nothing really happened for a while, that is until she and Taylor took of on a very long walk. By this point I was starting to get a little annoyed again but for the most part I was able to once again ignore it. For the most part I blocked the times when she was with Samir and Taylor. I felt very much like she would rather be with them and I was okay with that. I also know that I tend to over analyze everything when it comes to girls and so I chose to try to not think to deeply about all this. As much as I tried though, it didn't work so well. I kept going back and forth between wanting to just cut everything off right where it was and to keep going and see if anything would happen. It didn't help when she chose to get a ride home from Taylor. Oh well. I just didn't/don't want to get hurt again. I've liked Rosie quite a few times since eighth grade and every singe time it has turned out pretty bad with her going for some other guy. I really have felt like this time is different though and so I decided to just keep trying. Not to mention that this time I also really like her quite a bit. I have no clue how this will all play out.....I'll just have to wait and see. I guess I have to realize that because I tend to read to deeply I get the wrong impressions/signals or what ever. Hence, I'm going to just wait and see what happens. So that's what's been going on with me these last few days.

Trek and Layton Timpine

So I need to do some catching up, as usual. Trek. Trek was so incredibly amazing. It really wasn't what I thought it was going to be like but that's okay. So Tuesday morning I headed up to the stake center to find out who's family I'm in and what not. After we found out we sat with our new families and had a little orientation. I don't really remember what they talked about but part way through they dismissed all the real parents and we late found out why they had done that when as we left we were walking through halls lined with our parents singing push forward saints. Then in was on to the buses. One of the buses had problems so we had to get a new one and that added a whole lot of time on so when we finally got to where we were going we were way behind schedule. After another brief orientation we loaded up the handcarts and headed out. It was 2.5 miles of semi-difficult pulling. Following this we set up camp and headed over to the dance which proved to be one of the highlights for me even though it wasn't very long. Then dinner was followed by sleep. The next day was Martins Cove. It was a humbling spiritual experience walking through the cove in silence. Before Trek I never knew that the only two outdoor dedicated areas are Martins Cove and the Sweetwater River crossing. That night when we were all set up at our new camp site the different families all chose a song to sing for everyone else. Music brings the most amazing spirit. My family spent the night just singing every song we could manage. Thursday was supposed to be the hardest day because we had to pull the handcarts for 10 miles but to me it seemed to be one of the easiest. For some reason once I got through the first couple miles it started to become a lot easier for me to keep on going. We had the river crossings as well which were a nice break from the heat. Once we got to camp and had dinner we had a fireside with everyone where the all the bishops that were there spoke to us. Following this we had out own smaller testimony meetings with our families. I'm not going lie. It wasn't as spiritual as I had expected it would be. That's not to say that it wasn't spiritual, just not as much as I wanted. In the morning we headed out and got home at around 2:30. Over all it was a really good experience for me but it wasn't what I had expected.
Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day. I woke up and headed in to work only to find that there wasn't anyone there so I texted Ben (my boss guy) and when he didn't respond I headed home. Once there I got a text from him that we had two burials and that he was off. In a panic of sorts I got into my work cloths again and got up there as fast as I could only to find that Max and some people from Sandy were there and had taken care of everything. Even with that done I stayed til the service was over and helped a little on breaking down everything and getting the lid of the vault. Once this was done I headed home early to get ready for my cabin. I was pretty happy I didn't have to stay for the backfilling and what not cause I just wasn't in the mood. So I got home and was going to go to lunch with Rosie but I guess I hadn't realized that it was like 1:30. Because I had been a little to long at work she was already with Morgan and they were watching Batman Begins in peroration for tomorrow (The Dark Knight). So I ended up just sitting around for a few hours watching TV. I had to wait for Mark and Chelsea to get back from a wedding reception or something like that cause I was catching a ride up with them. Around 7:40 they showed up and off we went.
I think one of my absolute favorite feelings is stepping out of the car up at my cabin and feeling the crisp air and smelling the clean pine scented mountain air. It never fails to bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits. Once I got everything unpacked I immediately sat down and started to read my book. I spent a good hour or two reading taking a break for some dinner. Finally I was forced to stop when I heard a game of Nerts was about to begin. I happily played until my shoulder started to really hurt which made it to hard to play cause I couldn't really move it so much. So I went back to reading and once I got to tired to do that I got ready for bed and fell asleep. This morning I woke up and did a little more reading and then took a shower and got read for church. We headed off up to the Brighton circle where the Chapel is. I can't believe how lucky we were to be there on this particular Sunday. There was a special speaker. Marvin Goldstein who is an internationally acclaimed pianist who also happens to be a professor at BYU. So he gave a short testimony and then played the piano for the last half hour of the meeting. It was incredible. Once again, music brought the spirit into that meeting like nothing else could. He just started playing, going through hymns, primary songs, and the such. It was mind blowing to me how he just started playing what ever he felt would be right. One song blended into another. It was thirty minutes of strait music, no pauses between songs or anything. He was able to just merge the songs on the spot, going from one key to another. I wish I could have recorded it and put it up here cause it was one of those things you just have to hear to really understand. Anyway, once it was over I headed back down to my cabin where I changed and started to read again. I finished my book after an hour or two. I was sorta sad when it was over cause I wanted to keep reading! Once I was done I headed over to join in on a card game Mark, Chelsea, and my parents were playing and it wasn't to long after that that John and Barb showed up. We then started a game of Seafarers of Catan. I lost pretty miserably but it was still fun especially because there was a pretty good thunder/rain storm. I love stormy weather and having it up in the mountains made it just that much better. The rain was beating down on the roof and the lightning was much closer than usual. First there would be a bright flash followed almost instantly by an almost deafening clap of thunder that would shake the windows in their frames and cause everyone to jump.
So in the area of girls...things have finally take a turn for the better. I found out that this person I like actually likes me back. Nothing quite compares to that feeling when you discover that the person you like has the same feelings for you. It's been a very very long time since this has happened to me.

Girls and Treck

It's been another crazy couple of days since I last wrote. I have started to really like this girl....again. I've liked her off and on for a very long time. In fact I don't know that I ever really stopped liking her from the start. Anyway, these last few days have been pretty crazy for me in regards to how I feel about her. I keep going back and forth between wanting something to happen/thinking that something might happen and the complete opposite of seeing no hope of anything to happen/not wanting anything to do with her. It's really hard and I have no idea what to do because I feel like I'm getting very mixed signals. I want something to happen but not if things continue to go the way they have been. I keep trying to make time to hang out with her and it never works out how I wanted/planned. Either she ends up being busy with something or she's off doing something with someone else and "She'll get back to me when she can do something." This usually takes an hour or two by which time I'm either about ready to go to bed or so frustrated that I don't really want to do anything. I've heard from a few sources that she likes me and might even want something to happen. If this is so then she sure has an odd way of showing it cause when ever I'm with her I get the impression that she wants absolutely nothing to do with me in the way. It's really frustrating and I'm getting to the point where if I don't get some sort of confirmation that she actually does like me I'm just going to move on. Hopefully Treck will give me some time to think about everything and figure it out. Speaking of Treck, I really haven't been very excited to go, that is up until now. Getting ready for it has made me realize how much fun I can have, if I so choose. I went up to the Stake Center to weigh in my bucket and it just hit me. This could actually be really fun! There were so many people up there at the last minute getting everything ready for 6:00 tomorrow morning! It'll be an adventure. Well I think I might just go to sleep cause once again I sorta got blown off....again.

Sabriel and Otter-pops

Okay, so I'm pretty much exhausted right now so this'll prolly be a pretty short entry. So I had a pretty good piano lesson today which is saying something! That was an awesome way to start off the day. After my piano lesson I came home and read/finished the first book in a series that Nick gave me. I am absolutely loving these books so far. (I read the first one, Sabriel, in just a few days and I'm now on to the second. I would advise these to any fantasy lovers.) So I spent quite a while reading and then go called into work on my day off. What a bummer but oh well. It was nice seeing Ben again cause he's been gone for so long and that's made work pretty hard. (He's my supervisor guy that finds stuff for us to do.) Then at work Rosie brought me otter pops and it was so amazing! Not only the fact that I got otter pops at work but the simple face that she came all the way up there. It was fun seeing her again cause it had been a while. So life is still going pretty good, nothing has popped up making everything horrible like on Saturday and I'm determined to keep it that way. Welp I'm off to bed cause I've got work in the morning!

The beginning of the rest of my life!

Yesterday was a very bad day and I'm happy to report that I'm doing much better today. After I posted that post I went down stairs into my room and knelt down beside my bed and started to talk to my Father in Heaven. I expressed my concerns my worries my problems. I haven't prayed like that in much to long. I had forgotten the strength that comes from fervent meaningful prayer. Following that I sat down on my bed and pulled out my Patriarchal Blessing and really read through it. I didn't just glance over it. I was focussed on every sentence, every word. It's amazing to me how it just came to life for me. I received so much comfort from reading my blessing. Even if my life is going perfectly I'm at least feeling a lot better. I know that things are going to get better. I am determined to make my life better. I'm going to really try to do all the things I keep telling myself I'll do. This week is the beginning of the rest of my life so I had better make it count!

Rebuilding

My life fell apart on me again today. It's never fun when this happens. I never know how long it's going to last, how bad it's going to hurt, how much it's going to shake my confidence in everything I think I know. Quite honestly, ever since I broke up with Victoria my life has been in shambles. I know I've said it before but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's been over nine months and I'm still not...I don't even know what it is that I'm trying to achieve; whether I'm just trying to get over her or if I'm just trying to find something in my life to hold on to. I keep trying to figure out what's going on. I know nothing is going to go back to how it used to be. If I could have one wish it would be to have followed my dear mothers advice to break everything off with Victoria before I got to involved. I had committed to do it the next day when I went up to her cabin with her an her family. My mom advised me not to go but I knew I would be able to keep my resolve. When we got up to her cabin she was so happy, I was so happy. I couldn't bring myself to do it....so we stayed together for the next year and a half. That whole time we just got closer and more attached. However, as the months melded together I began to feel that something was wrong. I couldn't figure out exactly what it was but something just didn't feel right. I told her that I thought we might need a bit of a break and she didn't agree....at all. so we stayed together. Things were good for a while but I started to get the same feelings again and once again she didn't want any kind of break. Finally it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I ended our relationship and she didn't take it so well, but I didn't know what else to do. I knew we needed the break but as I started hearing these stories about her and Isaac I started to question my choice. Each time I heard about how they were seen cuddling, or how he kissed her, or how happy she was, each mention of her was a blow. I'm finally to the point now where it doesn't hurt as much but even if that doesn't hurt the side effects of that relationship are still very real. Because she was the absolute center of my life for so long everything else was pushed to the back of my mind, to the back of my life so to speak. Left there to crumble away while I thought it was all still in pristine condition. I'm still trying to figure everything out and I have these bad days every so often where everything seems so jumbled and confused. The thing I have to hold on to is the fact that I know things will get better. I know they always have in the past and I believe they will again. I just need to put forth the effort. Well I need to head off to bed. I'm off to start rebuilding my life....again.