Horses and Aviators

So this weekend was the best weekend I've had in a long time! That's not to say that I haven't had good weekends, this last one was just especially amazing. I'm going to start at Saturday and move along from there. So Meg told me to keep my morning free because she had a surprise for me. I woke up at about 8:30 and got ready for the day (I made sure to wear my most cowboyesque stuff) and then I rather impatiently waited for 9:45 to come. I was very much looking forward to what ever it was that Meg had in the works. (I must say that by this point I had a pretty good guess about what it was but that's beside the point.) So she came to picke me up and we headed north to Ogden where we would meet up with her parents, little sister, and a family friend. When they drove up my suspicions were confirmed, we were going horseback riding! I was so excited because up to this point in my life, I'd never done this.
We made the journey up to a little place near Snow Basin. My excitement was mixed with a good strong dose of nervousness. I was worried I might make a total idiot of myself in front of her family. Getting on the horse was easier than I'd expected and once I was there my nerves started to calm down just a bit. I was riding a great horse named Missy (I should think that's spelled at least somewhat right...). As we headed off my nervousness disappeared. Meg had tried to tell me that it wouldn't be hard or scary and by this point I finally believed her. One of my favorite things was watching the personalities of the horses. For the first bit I was riding behind Meg's little sister and her horse, Opi, loved to stop every minute or two to get a mouthfull of grass. This would lead to short game of catch up where Opi would take of at a trot which meant Missy would do the same. I'm sure this helped to give me a rather sore seat these past two days...
It was so much fun to be out in the mountains, on a horse, with great company, doing something I've always wanted to do.
After horseback riding and a great lunch/dinner Meg and I started to make our way back to Salt Lake. On the way I realized that I still needed part of my costume so we stopped at Layton Hills Mall. We ended up in Macys and I found an awesome coat that would double as my costume so I forked out the money and got it. All in all it turned out to be an awesome costume thanks to all the help I got pulling it together.
Later that night we went to a crazy party, danced a bit, talked a bit, caught up with old friends a bit, and then watched a movie.
Sunday brought Stake Conference which was about as good as I can ever remember Stake Conference being. I was in the choir under the direction of my awesome cousin who, in my opinion, made us sound really good. Later that day was my family birthday dinner where we celebrated a total of four birthdays, mine included.

Life is good, what more can I say?

The wonders of sleep

I find it amazing what  good nights rest can do. I was having a terrible day yesterday and I just couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. It was odd because in some ways I didn't even want to pull myself out of it. I  was almost enjoying being unhappy but at the same time not... So around 10:00 I just headed off to bed. I was tired of being awake and tired of having the same frustrating/depressing thoughts racing around my head.

This morning I woke up at 6:00 and things were so much better. I'm sure it helped that I knew I could go back to sleep for two more hours which I promptly did. Somehow sleep seems to ease or even erase negative feelings. What a gift that is.

Rescued

Do you ever feel like in this big huge world with so many talented people you don't stand a chance? I know I sure do at times. I've actually thought a lot about this recently. I tend to be very critical of myself. I see all my flaws and then blow them up 100 times to examine them even closer and forget to reduce their size back down to normal. When this happens my vision is obscured and it leads to me thinking that I don't have anything special, anything I can call my own. It's so easy to look around and see all the wonderful qualities in others but as soon as I look in the mirror it's like everything goes dark. Mind you this doesn't happen all the time but it does happen and it's not fun and definitely not healthy. It's so easy to get sucked into this negativity about myself and the longer I'm there the harder it is to climb back out.

Sunday night brought with it a great Fireside with Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and he said some things that really resonated with me. He spoke of how ordinary a man he is and how when he was younger, he felt he didn't have any talents, anything unique to call his own. He spoke of how when his father was writing an autobiography (I think that's what it was) he spent a good page talking about each of his children...except for him. All he got was one short sentence, "Tom surprised us." What an amazing sense of love I felt from my Father in Heaven that night as I realized that if this great man, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ had felt these same feelings and still did at times, there was still hope for me. I was once again reassured that even though I may not be "the best" at anything in particular, I still have qualities and talents that can set me apart, that are lovable. It's amazing to me how easy it is to fall into the trap of believing I'm not worth anything, that no one could ever really love me once they got to know me. I almost fell into that same old trap again today but the thought of what Elder Perry said quietly entered my mind like a life boat and pulled me out of what was becoming a swirling ocean of doubt. I felt it was worth sharing.

Corn, Angels, and My Xyloto

Life sure has a way of throwing you all off kilter. I've had the most amazing past couple of weeks. I'm in one of the periods of life where everything seems to be working out for the best and I couldn't really ask for anything better.
This last Friday I went on an adventure up to Syracuse, Utah to meet an awesome family, have dinner with some amazing people, and go to a fantastic corn maze. Saturday brought a much shorter work day than expected (this was so welcome and needed!), a depressing football game, and a super fun night watching Doctor Who where I learned about some creepy creatures called Angels.

Sunday was real busy.
8:00am - Text the Bishop to let him know about his appointments for the day
8:01 - Go back to sleep
9:00 - Get up and shower/eat
10-10:45 - Bishopric Meeting
10:45-11:45 - PEC
11:45-12:45 - Stake Presidency Meeting
1-4 - Church
4-4:30 - Mingle with chips and salsa
4:50 - Pick up Meg and eat an amazing muffin
4:55 - Stake Choir Practice
7:00 - Fireside with Elder L. Tom Perry
8:15-11:00 - A wonderful evening with an amazing person
11-12:15 - Talking to a good friend about love, life, moving out, moving on, and everything in-between
12:30 - Get ready for bed and read "one idea" in the scriptures and ponder myself to sleep
This morning I woke up at 6:30 to give myself some time to study for a math test which I felt more than a little unprepared for. It ended up being the first math test this semester where I answered every singe problem and I really think I may have gotten all the answers right. We shall see. I got home early from school today and made better than average bowl of Mac'n'Cheese while listening to the amazing new Coldplay album My Xyloto. (Somehow I'd totally forgotten this came out today and so when I was reminded it was like Christmas came early!)

Tonight I have a big FHE with my family to look forward to. Life is good. I don't think I would change a single thing.

Photography

At the end of my Sophomore year at East High School I was signing up for classes and I needed some elective credits. As I looked over my options I remembered my sister taking a photography class. More specifically I remember going on a family vacation to California where we visited the Getty Museum. While there I can so vividly remember Anne (my sister) pull out her camera to take a picture for her photography class. I was fascinated by how this little thing worked. She must have noticed my curiosity because she let me take a peek through the viewfinder and play around with the focus ring. It was so amazing to see how much control I could have with focus and how much fun it was to have that control. I remember listening to the sound of the shutter each time she pushed the shutter-release. As this memory came flooding into my mind it only made sense to sign up for Photography. Little did I know that this would spark a love for capturing the world around me on film.

Throughout that year I learned how to control different creative aspects such as depth-of-field, motion, and grain. It was an amazing adventure to learn how to load my very own Canon AE-1 film camera and how to adjust the aperture and shutter speed to get the desired result. It was with this camera that I captured my very first negatives that I later turned into prints. The first time I stepped into the film developing darkroom I was so nervous about doing something crazy and messing up my roll of film. Having the lights go out to be left in complete and utter darkness didn't help to ease my fears. I was forced to rely entirely on my sense of touch to pry open the film canister, load that film onto a spool, cut it away form the canister, load the spool into a lightproof container and get the blasted lid screwed on straight, which was much harder than it sounds. Once this was done it was time for the chemicals. Oh the joys of film photography! Once this was done it was off to the printing darkroom to actually make my final prints. 

Four years later I am still in love with Photography. There is something so satisfying about going into the world and capturing what I see in a picture that can then be shared. I don't claim to be any good but I sure enjoy it. Every person sees the world through their own eyes and photography is one of the best ways, in my humble opinion, to share the way I see the world. I love it.

Just in case you may want to see a few of my pictures just  Click here.

Life Hurts

Well, it's been a few years since my last post and I must say a lot has changed in my life. When I left for my mission I was a pretty naive kid with no real sense of purpose in life. I knew I wanted to serve a mission but I didn't have a real good reason to do so. Even though I didn't know what to expect from my mission, it wasn't what I got. It was by far the hardest and most stressful experience of my life. I was exhausted 24/7 and I had an almost constant feeling of inadequacy. It was a real vicious cycle. The more tired I was the more discouraged I got. This discouragement led to more stress and therefore more fatigue.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the experiences I had on my mission for anything. I the valuable truth that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. I had the head knowledge but my heart didn't believe this for much my my mission. I remember feeling so down and out because I just "knew" that I wasn't living up to my full potential and therefore my Heavenly Father must be so disappointed in me. I would then feel a peace and a love wash over me in a way that said "You're doing okay. I love you and want you to be happy." It was these moments that showed me that my Heavenly Father wont give up on me and all He expects me to do is try my hardest even if it means failure in the eyes of the world.

Since being home I have had some amazing highs and some horrible lows. I've struggled with some depression and anxiety which has been the source of many of the low spots. My mission has given me the tools to fight off these low times and just keep pushing forward. It's helpful to know and realize that life isn't always going to be easy and happy. That's just not the program. We're here on this earth to work, struggle, and fight our way through difficulties and challenges. Once we can really accept this, these hard times become a little more manageable.

I know that Autumn is finally here. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping, and my seasonal depression is trying to get a foothold in my life. Depression is so interesting. It just seems to suck the color and happiness right out of life. It's nearly impossible to describe the feelings to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. It's like being stuck in a bad dream with no way out. Colors loose their vibrance, relationships take an unhappy twist. It seems that nothing will ever feel good again. It is in these times that I am so grateful for a loving Savior who has felt these same things, who knows exactly how I feel, who knows how to help me. That help doesn't always come as quickly as I would want, in fact it rarely does. Though it does come and it's always when I need it most. It seems to come right as I'm about to give up. He is so patient as I try to understand why I have to deal with the things I do and as I am so impatient with seemingly unanswered prayers.

Life hurts. There is no escaping that fact. However, that hurt does not have to define my life. I don't have have to focus so much on the hurt that it becomes my life. I am in charge. As I have realized this I have become a much happier person. Life is for living, not sorrowing.