Rebuilding

My life fell apart on me again today. It's never fun when this happens. I never know how long it's going to last, how bad it's going to hurt, how much it's going to shake my confidence in everything I think I know. Quite honestly, ever since I broke up with Victoria my life has been in shambles. I know I've said it before but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's been over nine months and I'm still not...I don't even know what it is that I'm trying to achieve; whether I'm just trying to get over her or if I'm just trying to find something in my life to hold on to. I keep trying to figure out what's going on. I know nothing is going to go back to how it used to be. If I could have one wish it would be to have followed my dear mothers advice to break everything off with Victoria before I got to involved. I had committed to do it the next day when I went up to her cabin with her an her family. My mom advised me not to go but I knew I would be able to keep my resolve. When we got up to her cabin she was so happy, I was so happy. I couldn't bring myself to do it....so we stayed together for the next year and a half. That whole time we just got closer and more attached. However, as the months melded together I began to feel that something was wrong. I couldn't figure out exactly what it was but something just didn't feel right. I told her that I thought we might need a bit of a break and she didn't agree....at all. so we stayed together. Things were good for a while but I started to get the same feelings again and once again she didn't want any kind of break. Finally it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I ended our relationship and she didn't take it so well, but I didn't know what else to do. I knew we needed the break but as I started hearing these stories about her and Isaac I started to question my choice. Each time I heard about how they were seen cuddling, or how he kissed her, or how happy she was, each mention of her was a blow. I'm finally to the point now where it doesn't hurt as much but even if that doesn't hurt the side effects of that relationship are still very real. Because she was the absolute center of my life for so long everything else was pushed to the back of my mind, to the back of my life so to speak. Left there to crumble away while I thought it was all still in pristine condition. I'm still trying to figure everything out and I have these bad days every so often where everything seems so jumbled and confused. The thing I have to hold on to is the fact that I know things will get better. I know they always have in the past and I believe they will again. I just need to put forth the effort. Well I need to head off to bed. I'm off to start rebuilding my life....again.