Rescued

Do you ever feel like in this big huge world with so many talented people you don't stand a chance? I know I sure do at times. I've actually thought a lot about this recently. I tend to be very critical of myself. I see all my flaws and then blow them up 100 times to examine them even closer and forget to reduce their size back down to normal. When this happens my vision is obscured and it leads to me thinking that I don't have anything special, anything I can call my own. It's so easy to look around and see all the wonderful qualities in others but as soon as I look in the mirror it's like everything goes dark. Mind you this doesn't happen all the time but it does happen and it's not fun and definitely not healthy. It's so easy to get sucked into this negativity about myself and the longer I'm there the harder it is to climb back out.

Sunday night brought with it a great Fireside with Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and he said some things that really resonated with me. He spoke of how ordinary a man he is and how when he was younger, he felt he didn't have any talents, anything unique to call his own. He spoke of how when his father was writing an autobiography (I think that's what it was) he spent a good page talking about each of his children...except for him. All he got was one short sentence, "Tom surprised us." What an amazing sense of love I felt from my Father in Heaven that night as I realized that if this great man, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ had felt these same feelings and still did at times, there was still hope for me. I was once again reassured that even though I may not be "the best" at anything in particular, I still have qualities and talents that can set me apart, that are lovable. It's amazing to me how easy it is to fall into the trap of believing I'm not worth anything, that no one could ever really love me once they got to know me. I almost fell into that same old trap again today but the thought of what Elder Perry said quietly entered my mind like a life boat and pulled me out of what was becoming a swirling ocean of doubt. I felt it was worth sharing.

Life Hurts

Well, it's been a few years since my last post and I must say a lot has changed in my life. When I left for my mission I was a pretty naive kid with no real sense of purpose in life. I knew I wanted to serve a mission but I didn't have a real good reason to do so. Even though I didn't know what to expect from my mission, it wasn't what I got. It was by far the hardest and most stressful experience of my life. I was exhausted 24/7 and I had an almost constant feeling of inadequacy. It was a real vicious cycle. The more tired I was the more discouraged I got. This discouragement led to more stress and therefore more fatigue.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the experiences I had on my mission for anything. I the valuable truth that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. I had the head knowledge but my heart didn't believe this for much my my mission. I remember feeling so down and out because I just "knew" that I wasn't living up to my full potential and therefore my Heavenly Father must be so disappointed in me. I would then feel a peace and a love wash over me in a way that said "You're doing okay. I love you and want you to be happy." It was these moments that showed me that my Heavenly Father wont give up on me and all He expects me to do is try my hardest even if it means failure in the eyes of the world.

Since being home I have had some amazing highs and some horrible lows. I've struggled with some depression and anxiety which has been the source of many of the low spots. My mission has given me the tools to fight off these low times and just keep pushing forward. It's helpful to know and realize that life isn't always going to be easy and happy. That's just not the program. We're here on this earth to work, struggle, and fight our way through difficulties and challenges. Once we can really accept this, these hard times become a little more manageable.

I know that Autumn is finally here. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping, and my seasonal depression is trying to get a foothold in my life. Depression is so interesting. It just seems to suck the color and happiness right out of life. It's nearly impossible to describe the feelings to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. It's like being stuck in a bad dream with no way out. Colors loose their vibrance, relationships take an unhappy twist. It seems that nothing will ever feel good again. It is in these times that I am so grateful for a loving Savior who has felt these same things, who knows exactly how I feel, who knows how to help me. That help doesn't always come as quickly as I would want, in fact it rarely does. Though it does come and it's always when I need it most. It seems to come right as I'm about to give up. He is so patient as I try to understand why I have to deal with the things I do and as I am so impatient with seemingly unanswered prayers.

Life hurts. There is no escaping that fact. However, that hurt does not have to define my life. I don't have have to focus so much on the hurt that it becomes my life. I am in charge. As I have realized this I have become a much happier person. Life is for living, not sorrowing.