Heater Thinking

I don't have a lot to say today but I felt I should say something. It is currently 11:10 in the morning and I have yet to do anything really productive today. I woke up at 8:45 and went upstairs to see what I could find to eat. Instead of eating, I ended up with a pillow and blanket on the heater waiting for it to turn on. I spent a good little while just laying there on the heater thinking about life.

I have battled seasonal depression since about 8th grade. Some years are worse than others but it always seems to come. This year has been the best I can remember. I should think there are a number of things that have contributed to this. Even though this year has been a great one, I have still had some hard days/nights. I add nights because feelings of depression seem to be amplified in the evening. Last night was one of those nights for me. I don't know what caused it but I just wasn't feeling very good. Depression is such an interesting thing. It's not something you can accurately explain to someone who hasn't experienced it first hand. For me it manifests in an overall lack of enthusiasm for life. Nothing sounds fun and I usually don't eat much because I don't have an appetite and nothing sounds good. While in this state it's extremely easy to become self critical and to search out and then blow up every little flaw I have and everything I'm not doing quite right. I can't help but think that it's Satan who suggests these thoughts to me to help keep me in a downward spiral of emotion. I must say, he's very good at what he does and I have to work hard to pull myself out. This morning on the heater I found myself in one of these downward spirals. It was my sweet mother who came to the rescue. She'd noticed that these past few days I've been a little down and I'm sure she felt something from me this morning. We talked over some things and I got up and got going for the day.

That being said, I'm doing a bit better now.

It's good to keep in mind that life isn't meant to be easy. We're here to struggle a bit and work through challenges and problems. It's also comforting to know that we don't have to do this all alone. We have people all around us who are willing to help. We can always call upon our Heavenly Father for strength and guidance and look to our Savior's example.

Yesterday Meg and I ran some errands before going up to Park City. I lost my swimsuit so we went to Old Navy to find me a new one so I could participate in hot tubbing at Katie's house. We then went to Office Max so Meg could get more ink for her printer so she can do all of the insane amounts of printing this semester for her classes. I must say that Office Max is one of my favorite stores. It smells super good and there are so many fun things that I want there. Anyway, after this we went up to Foothill Village and I finally got my watch batter replaced! I've wanted to do this since I got home from my mission and Meg helped me to remember to do it yesterday.

Park City was fun. We played games, hot tubbed, and watched Jumanji.

Birthday

So yesterday was my birthday and yet it already feels like it was forever ago. I think it may have something to do with the fact that it wasn't such an amazing day. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't horrible or anything but it was just....not really that good. I feel that this needs some further explanation.

For the past couple of birthdays...well maybe starting at around number 17 or so, my birthdays have gone down-hill a bit. I've spent a lot of time thinking about why this is happening because I really wish it wouldn't. I mean birthdays are supposed to be these awesome happy days.

Funny enough, I think that's where part of the problem lies. Ever since I was little I've had pounded into my head that birthdays are these special days where you are almost king of your little part of the world. When I was younger, this worked out alright. I had birthday parties, lots of presents, and everything else that comes with a birthday. (It's amazing how self centered birthdays are!) However, now life doesn't slow down in the least for your birthday. It just keeps going.

Every year I try to not get my hopes up for anything to special on my birthday but every year I fail. This year was no exception. I tried so hard to not have any expectations but somehow I must have because yesterday was a bit of a disappointment. Once again, I must say that my birthday wasn't a terrible day, it just wasn't what I was hoping for. One of the problems is that I don't really know what I was hoping would happen so I don't know how to fix it.

I need to point out that there were some very good parts of my day. There were two main  highlights of my day. First was when Megan came to say a quick happy birthday before she had to head off to Chrony Class. It was something I'd been looking forward to for most of the day. The other highlight was going home teaching. It was such an amazing spirit filled visit. In all truth those two happenings made the day pretty great.

Anyway, I don't know if this made any sense at all but I thought I'd get it out there. All in all, life is still great. It's crazy to think that I'm now 22. I was still getting used to 21, not to mention 19 and 20....

The wonders of sleep

I find it amazing what  good nights rest can do. I was having a terrible day yesterday and I just couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. It was odd because in some ways I didn't even want to pull myself out of it. I  was almost enjoying being unhappy but at the same time not... So around 10:00 I just headed off to bed. I was tired of being awake and tired of having the same frustrating/depressing thoughts racing around my head.

This morning I woke up at 6:00 and things were so much better. I'm sure it helped that I knew I could go back to sleep for two more hours which I promptly did. Somehow sleep seems to ease or even erase negative feelings. What a gift that is.

Rescued

Do you ever feel like in this big huge world with so many talented people you don't stand a chance? I know I sure do at times. I've actually thought a lot about this recently. I tend to be very critical of myself. I see all my flaws and then blow them up 100 times to examine them even closer and forget to reduce their size back down to normal. When this happens my vision is obscured and it leads to me thinking that I don't have anything special, anything I can call my own. It's so easy to look around and see all the wonderful qualities in others but as soon as I look in the mirror it's like everything goes dark. Mind you this doesn't happen all the time but it does happen and it's not fun and definitely not healthy. It's so easy to get sucked into this negativity about myself and the longer I'm there the harder it is to climb back out.

Sunday night brought with it a great Fireside with Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and he said some things that really resonated with me. He spoke of how ordinary a man he is and how when he was younger, he felt he didn't have any talents, anything unique to call his own. He spoke of how when his father was writing an autobiography (I think that's what it was) he spent a good page talking about each of his children...except for him. All he got was one short sentence, "Tom surprised us." What an amazing sense of love I felt from my Father in Heaven that night as I realized that if this great man, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ had felt these same feelings and still did at times, there was still hope for me. I was once again reassured that even though I may not be "the best" at anything in particular, I still have qualities and talents that can set me apart, that are lovable. It's amazing to me how easy it is to fall into the trap of believing I'm not worth anything, that no one could ever really love me once they got to know me. I almost fell into that same old trap again today but the thought of what Elder Perry said quietly entered my mind like a life boat and pulled me out of what was becoming a swirling ocean of doubt. I felt it was worth sharing.

Life Hurts

Well, it's been a few years since my last post and I must say a lot has changed in my life. When I left for my mission I was a pretty naive kid with no real sense of purpose in life. I knew I wanted to serve a mission but I didn't have a real good reason to do so. Even though I didn't know what to expect from my mission, it wasn't what I got. It was by far the hardest and most stressful experience of my life. I was exhausted 24/7 and I had an almost constant feeling of inadequacy. It was a real vicious cycle. The more tired I was the more discouraged I got. This discouragement led to more stress and therefore more fatigue.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the experiences I had on my mission for anything. I the valuable truth that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. I had the head knowledge but my heart didn't believe this for much my my mission. I remember feeling so down and out because I just "knew" that I wasn't living up to my full potential and therefore my Heavenly Father must be so disappointed in me. I would then feel a peace and a love wash over me in a way that said "You're doing okay. I love you and want you to be happy." It was these moments that showed me that my Heavenly Father wont give up on me and all He expects me to do is try my hardest even if it means failure in the eyes of the world.

Since being home I have had some amazing highs and some horrible lows. I've struggled with some depression and anxiety which has been the source of many of the low spots. My mission has given me the tools to fight off these low times and just keep pushing forward. It's helpful to know and realize that life isn't always going to be easy and happy. That's just not the program. We're here on this earth to work, struggle, and fight our way through difficulties and challenges. Once we can really accept this, these hard times become a little more manageable.

I know that Autumn is finally here. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping, and my seasonal depression is trying to get a foothold in my life. Depression is so interesting. It just seems to suck the color and happiness right out of life. It's nearly impossible to describe the feelings to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. It's like being stuck in a bad dream with no way out. Colors loose their vibrance, relationships take an unhappy twist. It seems that nothing will ever feel good again. It is in these times that I am so grateful for a loving Savior who has felt these same things, who knows exactly how I feel, who knows how to help me. That help doesn't always come as quickly as I would want, in fact it rarely does. Though it does come and it's always when I need it most. It seems to come right as I'm about to give up. He is so patient as I try to understand why I have to deal with the things I do and as I am so impatient with seemingly unanswered prayers.

Life hurts. There is no escaping that fact. However, that hurt does not have to define my life. I don't have have to focus so much on the hurt that it becomes my life. I am in charge. As I have realized this I have become a much happier person. Life is for living, not sorrowing.

Rebuilding

My life fell apart on me again today. It's never fun when this happens. I never know how long it's going to last, how bad it's going to hurt, how much it's going to shake my confidence in everything I think I know. Quite honestly, ever since I broke up with Victoria my life has been in shambles. I know I've said it before but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's been over nine months and I'm still not...I don't even know what it is that I'm trying to achieve; whether I'm just trying to get over her or if I'm just trying to find something in my life to hold on to. I keep trying to figure out what's going on. I know nothing is going to go back to how it used to be. If I could have one wish it would be to have followed my dear mothers advice to break everything off with Victoria before I got to involved. I had committed to do it the next day when I went up to her cabin with her an her family. My mom advised me not to go but I knew I would be able to keep my resolve. When we got up to her cabin she was so happy, I was so happy. I couldn't bring myself to do it....so we stayed together for the next year and a half. That whole time we just got closer and more attached. However, as the months melded together I began to feel that something was wrong. I couldn't figure out exactly what it was but something just didn't feel right. I told her that I thought we might need a bit of a break and she didn't agree....at all. so we stayed together. Things were good for a while but I started to get the same feelings again and once again she didn't want any kind of break. Finally it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I ended our relationship and she didn't take it so well, but I didn't know what else to do. I knew we needed the break but as I started hearing these stories about her and Isaac I started to question my choice. Each time I heard about how they were seen cuddling, or how he kissed her, or how happy she was, each mention of her was a blow. I'm finally to the point now where it doesn't hurt as much but even if that doesn't hurt the side effects of that relationship are still very real. Because she was the absolute center of my life for so long everything else was pushed to the back of my mind, to the back of my life so to speak. Left there to crumble away while I thought it was all still in pristine condition. I'm still trying to figure everything out and I have these bad days every so often where everything seems so jumbled and confused. The thing I have to hold on to is the fact that I know things will get better. I know they always have in the past and I believe they will again. I just need to put forth the effort. Well I need to head off to bed. I'm off to start rebuilding my life....again.